Again… another difficult day from hell…
Rough night… little sleep… mancold… morning with no defences… a morning of tears and pain… anguish…
Sometimes you press that self destruct button when everything screams at you not too…
Too late now…
I am just someone who is lost… filled with regrets…
I got to talk with a good friend tonight which helped but there is still little let up…
I need this crash to break… it’s taking me apart bit by bit…
How do I f***** get through this…
I’ve come home from work to just sit and cry… cry? Sob…
I’ve had my medication in the hope that I just fall asleep soon… I don’t want to have to face anymore of this day…
I’m in a situation that is really messing with me…
To walk away… walk away from it all, from this situation… the thoughts of doing it is absolutely breaking my heart but I cannot continue on like this… it’s ripping me apart, making me ill facing what I am…
But I cannot win… to walk away would break me… continuing on like this is breaking me…
I am just so tired of it all… it feels like punishment… punishment for a severe crime that I haven’t committed…
It’s the last thing I need right now… I just want to disappear…
I’m crushed…
Hey, how was your day?
“Sh**!”
Er, care to elaborate?
“Very. Shit!”
Come on, you can do better than that…
“ARGH!”
I keep waiting for it to get better but today was one long slide down… further and deeper into the Abyss…
Mornings are especially difficult at the minute, I need to remind myself what Dr. S. said in that during the night and on a morning, after sleep when you first wake up you have little or no defences set and damn, she was right, I am getting my ass kicked on a morning at the minute…
It doesn’t help when a message exchange leaves you sobbing in the shower, lost and desolate… your eyes leak quicker than the fall of water from the shower… the pain I felt then, I feel sick now just thinking about how I was in that moment, irrational but with no early morning defences and the crash it consumed me… even now I think about it and it breaks me…
Having to pick myself up for work was an almost impossible task but what can I do? I’ve just got to try and get on… the journey in was a blur, lost in the whirlwind… lost in life… just lost…
I got to work and for the first hour I sat and silently cried at my desk, I took myself off to the toilet but it didn’t matter, hidden away or at the desk, for that first hour, tears just had to be shed… it feels f****** horrible having to do that in front of people but again, what can I do? You rip yourself up and beat yourself down, “look at the f****** state of me? what must everyone be thinking of you…” I hate how awkward it must be for them seeing me like that – at work – and having to put up with it, I further beat myself up for that…
I’m just a piece of s*** leper… that’s what I tell myself…
I try to work and get on with the day, the defences come into place and I can at least function though a seconds worth of thought in the wrong direction starts to breach the defences… the trouble is that they’re easily breached at the minute, that feeling of wrongness at work won’t shake, every second I feel like I have to move, try and get comfortable but it all feels so awkward, I HATE having to be on show no matter where I am, pub, restaurant, festival or work, anywhere, I like to be out the way, in a corner – safe spaces – where I can see everything and not have to be in everyones line of sight, now I am in worst case scenario each day and it’s killing me, especially when like this…
I get through the day, just keep my head down, silently fighting a battle no one knows is going on, a battle for survival that you just have to win…
Home time… I find a seat at the back of the metro, alone and just let it all out, hood up, silently sobbing, delightfully at rush hour, always a joyous experience…
I get home, first thing I do is take the meds, start typing to distract… that’s now coming to an end and all I can do is pray that I fall asleep soon… 19:10… my life is so rock and roll at the minute…
I wish I could fall asleep and not wake up until this crash has let up and finished… please…
That’s me… so f****** lost right now…
I feel like a soulless stranger in a shell of a body… one that isn’t mine…
I had zero intention to write tonight… I wanted to do nothing, disappear, become invisible and vanish from the world… but I need a way to release, sensibly, so that nothing stupid happens…
This normally helps – the ramble – but the way I feel… there is little salvation ahead at the minute…
World War 3 trenches with this soulless stranger begging for some let up…
All the way home from work, it was fantasy time, what I wouldn’t give to be able to just disappear, go somewhere picture perfect peaceful and find isolation from this world…
It’s what it feels like when everything starts to get on top of you and that is what happened today…
Rewind to the start…
Sleep so disturbed it feels non-existent, vivid dreams that shake your reality… dreams? Nightmares…
The alarm and knowing what you face… the day ahead…
Work was one long day of discomfort, trying to settle and concentration was impossible, everything just has the feeling of wrongness now, I feel on edge and out of place…
And speaking of on edge… find a way to distract me from my defences and I break… tears are only seconds away if a breach is made… it takes everything to remain in control and with everything going on at the minute around me… control is chalked up as another wishful fantasy…
A battle to work… to function… to survive… you cry dramatic? I cry spend one day in these shoes… one day like this and then know that you face situations like this for the rest of your life…
It doesn’t help when you reach, you reach out for help and it falls on deaf ears, shrugged off… dismissed… pain comes that feels incomparable… irrational maybe but it’s there…
So here I am… trying to type… to explain, what?
Nothing… this is for me…
To try and help… help find that person that is Lost…
I miss him…
I need to give my head a wobble and try and put yesterday behind me… but how!?
It was brutal and kicked my ass…
It’s all a bit of a learning experience, going through a crash whilst on the medication…
I am used to the flow of the crash whilst not on the meds, I feel it coming and prepare the defences… now though? It’s all new, how it approaches and hits me… I was unprepared for the levels that it can take me to, this time…
The crash worsened and it was trenches time with no defence… throw in an anxiety attack too and I was gone…
I don’t want to think about how long I cried for, inward thinking regrets, losses, doubts, secrets and stresses… it tore me apart and it is still even now… that’s why I’m typing…
I took the Quetiapine well early, 16:00 in hope that I just passed out and could end the day… I fell asleep at around 18:00, woke crying at 00:00 and managed to fall asleep again from 02:00 till 07:00…
For much of this morning I’ve just sat here… an empty vessel… trying to get myself going, trying to remember the positive me from only a couple of weeks ago but he is gone for now… lost to the whirlwind…
I’ve got plans today but they seem so far away…
I’ve also got the added stress now of having to move seats at work… It sounds daft but something like that really f**** me up and takes me out of one of the routines I establish to cope… I feel sick at the thought of having to adapt…
It is just one of those little things that add up – whilst on a crash – to crush you…
There are happenings going on that I cannot write about here…
The loss of a close friendship with nothing that I can do to get it back…
Failed plans…
The impact the medication is having on my life… I need to find a routine where I can get back to the gym because even whilst hardly eating I have still put on weight. I’ve got tests next Thursday to see how much it is effecting my body…
The fear/anxiety at work…
And the praying for a normal life… or just a bit more of the normality that I had a few weeks ago…
Just to name a few but they are all adding up… tossing themselves into the mix…
Throw in a hit by the tsunami and the whirlwind and I’m struggling…
Yesterday the suicidal thoughts were nothing short of f***** up…
The enticing thought that here you are again… with the meds this time… rock bottom and totally helpless… why not just end it… get the belt and just see what it feels like to put it around your neck… I feel sick whilst typing that but it is what went through my head and pretty much why I took the Quet. so early…
It’s a joy to experience…
I’ve got a battle to face as always when like this… just each and every time you face it you have already had some of your soul chipped away by the last one…
I just need some Light in my life…
I should have seen this coming, I should have been more preceptive…
Heightened paranoia, anxiety levels causing my to wretch, exhaustion…
It was building all week… the eruption happened today…
I broke… I crumbled… I failed…
The suicidal thoughts are back…
I feel lost, broken hearted, empty…
I just don’t know what to do anymore… I’ve cried for the last three hours…
I cannot stop worrying about work… about my life…
I just don’t want to be here…
I need to write… I need to rant… I need to vent…
But I really shouldn’t… just breathe… just breathe…
I’ve felt anxious and on edge all day… sick with worry…
I’m just tired of getting lied to… getting bulls******… getting treat like a mug…
Getting told what they think I want to hear and that is it… no follow through then dismissal…
I beg… just stop messing with me… this is how it feels…
I don’t deserve it…
I have such a good weekend… and all it takes is for one incident when I am like this to totally ruin all the good mood vibes I’d built up…
I’m just fucking sick of it… sick of it all…
Now that was a tough one today…
It was the first time going to an appointment whilst on a crash and it kicked my ass…
Having to bring back to the surface the problems of recent times, having to talk about them, explain them and remember them isn’t too fun a time…
Especially having to discuss and relive the suicidal thoughts that creep up now and again…
And that was as much as I wrote last night before the upgraded medication kicked in and I was seeing double… I fell asleep not much after that, on the sofa, to wake in the middle of the night confused as hell… hello 300mg Quetiapine…
Anyway, back to the appointment…
Three doctors present this time though it was only Dr. S. who spoke, I blocked out the other two and focused on trying to explain the Irrational of late…
It’s hard to talk about the blunt truth inner workings of your mind, especially when it comes to trying to explain in words, emotions that you feel and how you get to those emotions, you’ve really got to delve down into your thinkymeat and it leaves you feeling exposed and everything fresh and on the surface…
You breach the defences you have made and the torrent comes rushing in…
Needs must I guess… you’re in the moment and future you can try and deal with the whirlwind…
It helps that Dr. S. and I are starting to understand each other now – I think – and it helps that I am seeing the same Doctor now each time that I visit…
We spoke about the events of late that have really bothered me… I know I updated not too long ago and it was about those issues mentioned there, that we spoke about but I’ll still go into it here…
The feeling of isolation at work – which I am trying to break – but it is still there, it’s difficult dealing with everything of late and trying to put on a positive front, I have improved loads lately over the last couple of weeks, at work, but it’s tough, now that the withdrawals have passed I hope this will continue on. Why the isolation though?
It’s a tough one to answer and as typing this I don’t really know the answer, I guess I’ll just see what the fingers have to say. There is the feeling that I have pushed people away with how I have dealt with issues lately. I don’t know if it is a sense of isolation or rejection or both… it’s something I need to try and figure out… Also my friend left and that “hole” is very obvious to me, especially on the journies to and from work and lunch time, it hurts now – raw emotion – to think of that loss still coming up to 6 weeks and counting…
My amazing sister, argh man, when talking about this I broke in the appointment, I just want her to be happy and to find herself but with every ounce of my self I know something has happened – that she is not telling us about – that has caused her to feel such anxiety in life, I need to dedicate some time to just be there for her and even without this, it is something I want to do anyway.
Obviously birthday and Valentines season have messed me up, whilst on a Crash you look inwards rather than outwards, I am looking at the past and what I have lost rather than at the future and what I can achieve… it’s day-by-day-get-by until the Crash ends…
It’s funny, we spoke about this in the appointment, only a couple of weeks ago whilst “normal” I was all positive and what I can do, what I want to do and what I am going to do… now it is let’s see out the next few hours, then the next after that and so on… what is tomorrow?
Last week was the first time I was unable to work…
A couple of realisations have dawned on me though it’s still probably my irrational self in control of these thoughts… I guess we’ll see… it’s easy to say one thing… it’s hard to follow through on what you say… this issue has crushed me of late… my biggest fear seems to be coming true… I just don’t know how to deal with it though it doesn’t matter anyway… it’s totally out of my hands… probably the Argh! Confusing? But it is anyway…
We spoke about the withdrawals, the adaption to the medication, we may do a “trial” where I take Quetiapine twice a day rather than at night as I seem to shake off the medication quickly and it impacts on the afternoon more than it should. We spoke about how my self set defences alter throughout the day and with tiredness comes difficulty… it is helping me to understand this disoder more so I appreciate that…
We spoke about my thoughts on suicide… the tough one… how do I explain that the thoughts are present and help as an out in a stupid way but you’ll not act on it? It stumped me for a minute or so but Dr. S. obviously knew the situation and explained that they will always be there with the Bipolar depression and it’s just dealing with it. I was honest and explained about the time I crumbled and googled the easiest way out, the way I tried to explain it…
Take a holiday to Syria, you know that it is Extremely Bad to go there but to see the ruins of Palmyra is what you see as too much to resist. You look into the travel to the point of looking into how to book the holiday… but you don’t… you’ve scratched the itch for a while… and that was how it was with those suicidal thoughts that time…
Plus I shocked the hell out of myself when I realised what i was doing… I think I mentioned that anyway before in a post…
After all that and the plan to meet again in four weeks time and the plan to up the meds… I was ruined, both mentally and physically, it had took it’s toll…
All of the issues of late were present and at the surface, the defences were breached and I was helpless… to go with that I had to face work…
I had a nice journey to work in Storm-stupidname, wet and cold to the bone by the time I got to work, trying to set aside the issues on the surface, it was gameover… I think for the first hour I sat and silently cried at my desk, I tried to set aside everything and function, it took some time but I was able to get there eventually… kinda… I just rushed home at finish, took the upgraded medication and passed out to forget the day…
And that comes to today… half day work has been and gone, bags are packed for a weekend away… feeling a bit flat but I’m sure – I pray – that I’ll soon get in the spirit of it…
Let’s rock… I hope…
I really did hope that I wouldn’t be writing this so soon…
I’ve even attempted another form of self-help to put this off but ultimately I need to turn to writing to offer a further form of salvation or release…
The last couple of weeks… bliss…
This week… hell…
The main cause of the problems… crashing and withdrawals…
I put everything into fighting it at the start of the week but it has took it’s toll, these last few days I have entered the trenches… The Crash… it exhausted me and finally swamped me…
Added to The Crash, I’ve had the worst withdrawals lately, headaches, sickness, agitation and anxiety… paranoia… I’ve woke up at night drenched, sleep is so restless, I’ve had the most vivid and extreme nightmares… aye, it’s safe to say it has taken it’s toll…
Add to that… rewinding to the start of the week… a birthday and forgotten promises – not an isolated incident – a valentines day thinking about what I’ve lost then the onset of the Crash and withdrawals… instead of typing and the release I’m tempted to just… ARGH…
Why Argh? Because at the start of this week, I managed to have an amazing meal with some of those closest to me, it was a great time but ultimately it wasn’t enough to stave off the…
The whirlwind is here…
I’ve just tried to keep me head down and deal with it, saying nothing because I fear that people will get tired of it all… it’s tore me apart…
I do understand now what the doctor was saying when she mentioned medication naivety… it is not all singing and dancing, problem solving medication and I will still be onset by the mood switches… it’s just learning to deal with it…
I think I had deluded myself into thinking that I was through the worst of it… something I guess that is easy to do when you’ve enjoyed some normal mode of late…
Other incidents have occured that have set me back… I’ve felt isolated from the group at work, I’ve said before it is easy to feel alone and it was the worst I’ve felt this week at work…
I feel like some friendships have lessoned…
Just a difficult, irrational week I guess, I tell myself, I fight it but it comes back to the pebble and the tsunami…
Irrational…
I cannot help but think that I have pushed those close to me further away with how I have been lately… it crushes me… and I hate myself for it but do not know how to get back what I have lost…
Irrational… but it is there…
I’ve just got some fighting to do… the trouble is I just wish that I could close my eyes and sleep… and do not wake up until this round of The Crash is done… that is how sapping it is knowing I’ve got to deal with this again…
And that… my friends… is why this is so tough…
Because everything screams at me that it is a fight that I face alone…
Irrational…
So I’m writing this, not because I need to – not at the moment but I guess we’ll come to that – but because I want to…
I guess I’ll start with…
My battle with Bipolar 