I’ve chewed myself up this morning so let’s get some writing therapy…

 

It was hospital day yesterday.

 

It went okay or as okay as it can go whilst on a crash – it was talking through the issues, thoughts and feelings of the moment and reflecting on how the last few weeks have gone.

 

My spark is definitely missing at the moment. Doctor S. was saying how the difference in me is massive comparing me from our last appointment and when I was on a high to now whilst on a crash – obviously…

 

There were no smiles and engagement was at a minimum where as last time I never shut up – it’s not something I fully notice happening whilst in the moment but to the outside that know me and know what I go through, I guess it was plain to see.

 

We discussed – and this is true – how you have a sense of loss and mourning when you lose the high… it is especially evident when the high runs out and when it runs into the crash… you become forlorn… it’s not a nice sensation to experience.

 

I’ve mentioned before but you’re begging the world for it to not happen but it is inevitable… you go from that buzzing effect to abject dejection… and it is hard to take…

 

We also discussed adding a second medication to what I currently take – Sodium Valproate – which would help eliminate the mood change and “flatten” my moods out but there is a lot of side effects taking this and there is the risk that it will just turn me into a walking zombie… the doc advised some people prefer this to the up and down mood states where as some people hate this – they feel like am emotionless robot… my reply was give it some time and see how I react to the increase in XL first…

 

Mainly because where as I do struggle with the extremes of the disorder, I am finding it manageable at the moment on the increased Quetiapine XL of 600mg.

 

The one problem is that I am in the bedding in phase of the medication, when you increase the meds you have a period of 6-8 weeks where it is working at it’s maximum efficiency but the more you take it, the more you get used to it, the more this grace period wears off…

 

So once that happens, I could be in for a world of hurt… as this is predicted to be a bad crash as mentioned in my last update… my next appointment is for 6 weeks but we agreed that if I snowball then to call up and we can get some more medication arranged.

 

We’ve built up that relationship now, the doc and I where as the treatment and process behind the treatment can be fluid which helps a great deal.

 

So all in all – I’m not really too sure what the next few weeks hold for me, whether I’ll continue as is or whether it will go down from here. I have a prediction how it will turn out but yeah… let’s not curse anything…

 

That is one of the kickers too, that you know that you’re not going to get better any time soon – from the crash that is – that the only time any improvement occurs is when the crash fades and timescales for this are so unknown, I could be like this for months… oh joy…