I need to give my head a wobble and try and put yesterday behind me… but how!?

It was brutal and kicked my ass…

It’s all a bit of a learning experience, going through a crash whilst on the medication…

I am used to the flow of the crash whilst not on the meds, I feel it coming and prepare the defences… now though? It’s all new, how it approaches and hits me… I was unprepared for the levels that it can take me to, this time…

The crash worsened and it was trenches time with no defence… throw in an anxiety attack too and I was gone…

I don’t want to think about how long I cried for, inward thinking regrets, losses, doubts, secrets and stresses… it tore me apart and it is still even now… that’s why I’m typing…

I took the Quetiapine well early, 16:00 in hope that I just passed out and could end the day… I fell asleep at around 18:00, woke crying at 00:00 and managed to fall asleep again from 02:00 till 07:00…

For much of this morning I’ve just sat here… an empty vessel… trying to get myself going, trying to remember the positive me from only a couple of weeks ago but he is gone for now… lost to the whirlwind…

I’ve got plans today but they seem so far away…

I’ve also got the added stress now of having to move seats at work… It sounds daft but something like that really f**** me up and takes me out of one of the routines I establish to cope… I feel sick at the thought of having to adapt…

It is just one of those little things that add up – whilst on a crash – to crush you…

There are happenings going on that I cannot write about here…

The loss of a close friendship with nothing that I can do to get it back…

Failed plans…

The impact the medication is having on my life… I need to find a routine where I can get back to the gym because even whilst hardly eating I have still put on weight. I’ve got tests next Thursday to see how much it is effecting my body…

The fear/anxiety at work…

And the praying for a normal life… or just a bit more of the normality that I had a few weeks ago…

Just to name a few but they are all adding up… tossing themselves into the mix…

Throw in a hit by the tsunami and the whirlwind and I’m struggling…

Yesterday the suicidal thoughts were nothing short of f***** up…

The enticing thought that here you are again… with the meds this time… rock bottom and totally helpless… why not just end it… get the belt and just see what it feels like to put it around your neck… I feel sick whilst typing that but it is what went through my head and pretty much why I took the Quet. so early…

It’s a joy to experience…

I’ve got a battle to face as always when like this… just each and every time you face it you have already had some of your soul chipped away by the last one…

I just need some Light in my life…