Posted on by champooon

06/01/2017

06/01/2017

Right…

I think I’m going to have to do this in two stages, first a summary of the day and then some assessment at the end now that I’ve had some time to myself to think… it has only really just clicked in the last few minutes where I may be heading and why I’m writing now…

I’ve got a feeling this may be a long one, you’ll see why as I come to my conclusion…

Let’s try and spot the signs on the journey to see where this is going…

But first, the sleep…

Or little of it, my first thought on this was due to me deciding not to have a sleeping tablet, I was already exhausted from the gym and everything else included, I wound myself down and went to bed for 22:30… I honestly felt that tired that I didn’t need one and want to save them for when I really do need them…

Yey, I was still awake at 01:00 tossing and turning – guess I did need one but I was too distracted – having adventures in my head and thinking of the most random subjects possible to explore, some funny observations I’d realised that came from nowhere had me laughing away rather than trying to sleep… It could also be due to the Fluoxetine as I do get restless sleep from that too… but I wasn’t getting anywhere fast… Once I got to sleep I woke up at least four times too, each time I woke as if in anticipation of something to come… not bad anticipation but almost, “is it time to do something yet?”

Not a great start considering I planned to work today, so little sleep…

I finally gave up trying to sleep at 05:00, hopped in the shower for an hour then chilled until work time… strangely energetic…

You know, I was happy, I’d had a shit night sleep, I was facing my first day of work after a while, I’d had a very difficult week apart from yesterday… but I was happy…

First thing I noticed was that I was back whistling and singing in my head… we’ll come more to that later but remember the singing…

Got to work, it was a little bit strange at first, spoke to the boss and confirmed all was okay and planned to get into action, I didn’t speak much at first but that changed as the day wore on and I came out of my shell, I found the old “work” me, on the ball, capable of working and multi tasking… I got mega busy and found myself getting on edge around 15:45 so stepped back a bit but I made it through no problems…

I found I was able to laugh and joke on, able to wind people up as always and have fun… but I also found I had some irrational times of irritation, as in after the moment has happened I’m thinking eh? Why did you do that…

But overall I started to have a laugh on with everyone…
By the time the work day was finished with I was tired in my body but alert in my mind… I’d take that with everything that has happened of late – it was a good day really though some moments have left me shaking my head…
What did I do on the way home? Oh nothing much but decide to wind myself up on certain subjects that have happened over the last year plus, totally old history but I found moments to think, “yeah that happened and now I realise why,” just showing general annoyance to the world, I walked by a guy with a hat and my first thought was “what a f****** idiot for wearing that,” hmm where did that come from? That’s not normal me…
Now I want to come back to the singing… I don’t know if this is important but I thought enough to mention it…

From the shower this morning to writing this now, 19:47, I’ve had the same two lines from a song on constant repeat in my mind, now I’m not just talking about where you say you have a song stuck in your head type level on repeat… I’m talking about these two sentances almost taking over every single moment that my brain wasn’t thinking about something… as if my brain had to be doing something at all times, no shut down… it almost got to the point where the lyrics tried to invade and take over and distract me from what I really had to do and work…

It’s actually got the point now where I’m just playing the tune to those two sentences over and over whilst my brain isn’t trying to focus on something else. This happens most of the time when I start to… we’ll come to that later…

Now I got home and just chilled for a bit, assessed the day and started to go into Dr. Champ mode, to me then I was feeling “normal” but I started to think through the day…

We may as well get to the conclusion…

If what I’ve really learnt of myself over the years of suffering this… I’m on the way up…

I could be wrong, it’ll be interesting to see where this leads, but I am writing this now to see if I am starting to recognise the signs…

The signs?

The hardly any sleep but energy, the brain on overdrive, the irrational irritation, the annoyance at totally random stuff… but the main one as I have wrote before…

It’s all in the eyes, it sounds daft (I probably said the same thing before) but that is the point where tonight it clicked… I should be knackered after the week I’ve had, throwing in my first time at the gym for a while and first full day of work in a while… but the eyes are widening and I’m becoming alert…

That caffeine feeling is creeping in…

Is a Hyper coming?

My mind and body are telling me it is setting in… let’s see if I am correct…

If it is… I’m like a f****** yo-yo…

Posted on by champooon

05/01/2017

05/01/2017

– I waited until the very end of the day to write this because I didn’t want to curse myself…
 

What a difference a day makes…

Seriously, what the actual f***.

It was the worst day I’ve ever faced yesterday, how I got through it I do not know, hours and hours of sobbing, thinking of ending it all and today…

Today, I woke up and just felt like a totally different person.

Total mood switch.

Rewind a bit…
I took 2 sleeping tablets at 21:00 the night before and woke up at 06:00, I did wake up a couple of times during the night but I was that exhausted I fell back asleep…

It helped in a way as sleep is a big trigger – I know I’m not fully out of the crash but I know I’m coming out of it…

How do I know?

No whirlwind, no anxiety, no carrying of the sorrow, no thinking of the bad news and instantly breaking down, I have motivation and can move from the sofa, appetite is back to normal, I went to the shops, I only had a ten minute shower, yes really! I even went to the gym though gym and meds do not mix – ugh…

I know I’m not fully out of it yet though as I do still feel a bit flat and had a 2 minute upset moment earlier but rather than it turning into World War 3, I was able to shake it off…

For someone who craves consistency and routine, it’s practically impossible to do that at the minute with such dramatic shifts in mood. It’s frustrating but I’m just happy to be coming out of The Crash now, I wasn’t sure how much more I could have took of it…

It’s like my body torments me, I came out of the Hyper when I couldn’t take anymore of it and now the same with The Crash…

I think I’ve mentioned before, it’s a total different way I live my life…

Three different ways… for a sustained period of time…

Hyper
Normal
Crash

Can I just have some balance please?

Tomorrow will be the true test to see where I am at though, I am going to attempt work… dun dun der!!!

Posted on by champooon

04/01/2017

04/01/2017

I don’t know how I am still here to be honest…

All day I’ve battled with the thoughts to just end it… I really don’t know how much more I can take.
After writing 03/01/2017 I recieved some really bad news not long after. It’s crushed me, tore me apart… broke me.

Even with two sleeping tablets I’ve hardly slept, I’ve done nothing but sob on and off since 04:00 and it’s now 19:09… I cannot eat, I’ve had to force myself to move to drink when I literally couldn’t swallow anymore from dry mouth…
One of the “rocks” in my life is leaving, going away, probably never to be seen again… after everything of late I didn’t think it could get much worse but I’ve done nothing but sit wrapped in a blanket, in silence and cried…

So much pain, so much grief, so much sorrow. I just cannot see a way forward at the minute.

I’m exhausted, I cannot think straight, it’s non stop irrational…

I tried to message a couple of people but ultimately what can they do for me? All I can do is burden and worry them. To be honest I wanted to scream HELP at the top of my lungs…

I’ve had the Crisis phone number up on my phone all day but I cannot call them, I don’t know why, will they think I’m just acting stupid and wasting their time?

All I can do is sit here and cry, hope I fall asleep and get through this…

Posted on by champooon

03/01/2017

03/01/2017

I’m hurting…

To be honest, I’m typing this whilst crying…

I feel lost and just do not know what to do anymore.

The second I think about the sorrow I feel I start to sob… nothing causing it, it’s just there…

Well then just do not think of it then you may say… sorry but it’s impossible, it’s consuming… all consuming…

I fully prepared myself to work today, bed at 21:00 the night before, not even to try and sleep but to just unwind before trying to sleep…

I don’t know what happened, I guess the moment I lowered the defences to relax and try and sleep the world rushed in and just tore me apart…

I had two sleeping tablets because I was getting nowhere and just fell fast asleep, woke up once but I had more than 8 hours sleep… A good start…

I guess it didn’t really matter, I knew I wasn’t fit for work but determined to try… no crying in the shower but I was set into the whirlwind early…

It didn’t matter how long I tried to hold it off, the tears came on the way to work, out in the world, feeling utterly worthless and insignificant… I broke…

I got to work and just wanted to sob… by the time I finished talking to the boss I was sobbing…

I went home and bunkered down, cried a lot, hid from the world. Ignored my phone for most of the day.

The second I check it I cry more, to see my friends message to see how I am, I just feel like such a burden to them… they have their own lives and worries without me adding to it.

It’s desperation time, I just want to scream someone please help… I can’t go on like this…

None will be forthcoming until at least the 19th Jan…

…

I’m…

Posted on by champooon

02/01/2017

02/01/2017

Maybe around 8 hours sleep though I did wake up a few times.

I have a little more energy today, I’m not at the point of having to force myself to move, I actually went to the shops and did my washing which I had put off for a few days… baby steps – I’ll take what I can get.

My overall mood is still down, still the sigh as I exhale, maybe not the levels of the last few days but the anxiety is still showing it’s face, strongly. I have that sick, worry feeling.

I just feel constantly on edge, like something is going to happen at any minute, no idea what mind you but that is how I feel, it does get annoying…

Speaking of annoying… I wasn’t going to write this in to the diary but I have to I guess…

It’s hard to explain but I’ll try…

Have you ever thought about something but something that you not really knew that you were thinking about it until you actually started paying attention to what you are thinking about… yeah, see I told you it was hard to explain but it went something like this:

My brain debating with itself…
Brain: If it ever got to utter darkness and you cannot go on, what would be the easiest way to just end it…
Brain: Well no idea, I had a family member hang themselves, pills and alcohol, I couldn’t cut myself, no car for…
Brain: Well you could always Google it…

Me: Wait, what the actual F*** rewind a second and stop right there… NO, NO and No… and I am not F****** doing any research into it, slippery slope…

It was kinda a scary moment, I won’t lie, what I am going through is constantly on my mind I guess, it’s relentless, it’s 24/7 and that is why you got wore down…

It’s like when you let your thoughts wonder they go on auto pilot to darkness…
I do actually laugh at the thought of ending it because it does seem so absurd, I couldn’t do it to my friends and family as I’ve said but it’s strange that it is still in your thoughts…

Anyway, enough of that for now, it was a moment to ponder on…

I still have the sicknote until the 5th but I am going to try and go in tomorrow, I have to, I need to. I just want to get on with my life. It is going to be tough but I am trying to think positive about it and that I can do it… just it doesn’t always work out like that…

I guess I could quote von Moltke – “No battle plan survives contact with the enemy.”

Or…
My favourite is Burns – “The best laid schemes of mice and men…”

Either could apply for me tomorrow…

Let’s see how it plays out, I really don’t want to face people… I really don’t want to face the world…

Posted on by champooon

01/01/2017

01/01/2017

A quick rewind to last night…

I had two options:

1) Call the Crisis team

2) Take a glass of whisky, add two sleeping tablets, find a pillow and hope for the best

I went with option 2). It was the quickest choice, I really couldn’t face seeing the time turn 00:00 and seeing the celebrations begin.

Not in my dramatic world of darkness anyway…

It would break me.

I carry less emotion today, tears seem far away, I feel almost at the point of not caring anymore, what’s the point…

I know if I do that though I’ll descend to much worse levels than I am right now…

That is somewhere that I don’t want to explore so I’m fighting the good fight, it is such a struggle, just to function is hard, I won’t lie but I have to go on.

I had 9 1/2 hours sleep in the end, slow to wake up for obvious reasons, my only real plan for the day is to get showered, go to the shops and see my good friend later on. I’m happy with that day…

Apart from the doing anything part anyway… I’m still having to force myself as the energy levels are at critical point!

I forced myself into the shower that turned into a two hour soaking… to give you some idea of the time I spend in the shower…

I live alone, my metered water bill is higher than my electricity bill…

I’ve explained it before I think but it helps…

Once I get in, I start off in the whirlwind but then I turn up the heat, sit down and just focus on the water flowing over myself, it turns off my thoughts and I can just relax for a while… a place of solitude because I need it…

Especially today…

The levels of anxiety are off the scales today, I feel sick with worry with nothing to point it directly at… remember I’m in a not really caring mood today so it’s irrational and conflicting… confusing…

The last few weeks have really taken it out of me…

I try to find anything to shine some light on my life and look for positives, it’s not just a case of wollowing in self pity, I think it can sound like that upon reading this but it’s a diary of the mood…

My results…

I find little…

I just want out of this Crash…

Posted on by champooon

31/12/2016

31/12/2016

Ah f*** man, I hate all this negativity and having to write about it but I need to keep a record…

I don’t want to be this way, I beg every deity that I know of to free me from this Crash… and I’m agnostic.

By now I imagine you’re sick of reading about this mood but it is what it is. I am still suffering from it. There is no escape.

8 hours sleep, again normally I would be chuffed with this but I’m flat, I didn’t want to get out of bed, then I didn’t want to move from the sofa.

I haven’t done anything of real consequence today and I don’t want to. Deep down that bothers me but I cannot muster the energy to care.

Every time I hear a firework go off I am taken back to New Years Eve last year, a very happy memory which carries so much sorrow now…

I’ve actually turned my phone on to Do Not Disturb, the thought of being wished Happy New Year will break me… I have nothing to be happy about at the minute… as dramatic as it sounds it is what I am feeling… it’s just darkness…

It’s just survival, taking one day at a time and getting through it how I can.
Posted on by champooon

30/12/2016

30/12/2016

Once I fell asleep it wasn’t too bad, I think I was exhausted from all the tears, it just took a while to get to sleep, I got a total of maybe 7 1/2 hours in the end.

It’s nice in a way to get more sleep than late… actually I would say on any other circumstance it’s heaven but unfortunately I just don’t feel like doing anything or wanting to do anything so the extra sleep is wasted.

Alas, today I need to go to the doctors for an update, get more meds and just see where I am at.

I need to shave, I just cannot be bothered but I do get a shower and head off. It was pretty standard, there is nothing much more they can do for me at the minute until I get to the CMHT… 19/01/2017… it cannot come soon enough.

They keep me on the 60mg dose of Fluoxetine and I get another 7 days of sleeping tablets, much needed, as mentioned sleep is a big trigger.

I force myself to get a haircut too, only a month overdue… I climbed Everest to be able to do that… it’s ridiculous.

My overall mood is very flat, I am nowhere near as emotional as I was last night which is good news in a way but I am sitting right on the edge, anything could set me off. My good friend is coming over later on in the night so that will help, it’ll be good to talk.

I spend much of the day bunkered down trying not to get consumed by the negative, irrational thoughts, it’s impossible to keep them at bay and I find myself continuously chewing over the same old shit… shit I cannot escape from… it is frustrating that I cannot escape…

I would love to do something but when feeling this flat it’s practicually impossible…

Posted on by champooon

29/12/2016

29/12/2016

I’m writing this because I pretty much have to after tonight…

Quick summary of the last few days…

Nothing really “new” to report – The Crash:

I’ve really struggled with the crash, my mood is nothing but sad and sorrowful, I’ve had to force myself to do anything, to move, to watch something, to leave the house and that is only because I have no option and need to buy some essentials… I’ve cried a lot…

I have a sick note from work but could have tried to work the 28th and today, 29th… there was nothing in me that could have done this…

I’ve never slept so much lately but never had so little motivation to do anything, no energy, no nothing really and it does kill you because parts of you are screaming to do activities, you’ve got plenty of options but to do these will break you, it’s not like it is even a worry, it is now a known fact… as tonight did…

I’ve bunkered down, done my own thing and kept my head down, kept to myself to get through the last few days, my good friend has come to see me a few times and that has helped… most of the day today I slept… I cried, I forced myself to eat something, I forced myself to read to try and take my mind out of the whirlwind…

Afterall I had a happy night to look forward to, I love going to the cinema and I was going to see a film I was excited for with one of my best mates…

I really didn’t feel like it but got a shower before I set off out, try to perk me up but I was filled with that sorrowful feeling and trying to block it out, I had a good night to look forward to… yep…

It just doesn’t work… I couldn’t really talk to my friend much, the usual response rather than making conversation, I felt emotionally on edge and anxious that I was out in public.

I sat in the cinema and just wanted to cry… and no that wasn’t due to any sad film etc… it was during the adverts, during the film, at the end… for much of the film my mind was elsewhere, caught up in that whirlwind…

After the film, we got back to the car and I just started to cry, tried to explain what was going on but just wanted to sob and I couldn’t link it to any particular reason…

Got home, said out goodbyes, the moment I got into the house I broke, I must have sobbed my heart out for at least an hour, maybe more, I’m not too sure to be honest but I was back home before 19:50 and it wasn’t until 21:10 that I started to come to my senses somewhat… either that or I cried myself out…

I just felt lost, I just felt… actually, name a painful feeling and I felt it… I honestly wanted to just shout in frustration until my throat was raw, it was a really difficult time.

After that finished I just sat in silence for an hour then thought I best type this…

Doctors tomorrow, thank god… This is getting too much if it carries on the way it is…

How the fuck do I get through this?!

Posted on by champooon

25/12/2016

25/12/2016

Well… it’s Christmas Day… yey… happy Christmas…

I wish I felt that…

I slept in till 08:30, again a bonus, more sleep than I’ve had in ages but I do not feel any more refreshed…

I think I’ve said it but I have had a few options/invites today but I turned them all down, I just wanted to bunker down and hide away from the world…

If I broke, I could break alone and not spoil anyone elses Christmas day… it should be a time of joy… not negativity… they didn’t need me as a burden…

One of my best mates may pop over about 21:00 if the baby settles down but that’s up in the air…

I’ve felt so sad and sorrowful all day, I’ve succumbed to the Whirlwind, I had a phone call with my mother this morning, the anxiety to just answer the phone was immense… seriously WTF? It was okay but you know when you just don’t want to talk to anymore even though deep down I really did… it wasn’t our usual flowing conversation… set me further into the Whirlwind of what is and what could have been…

I was right in the observation I made about music the other week, when like this it can kill me, I started thinking of Ave Maria and nearly started crying…

I had a good focus today, to cook Christmas lunch which I always enjoy doing but rather than having everything fully prepped and organised as I always do, I left everything to the last moment, it got done though.

I put the meat in the slow cooker at 10:30 and finally ate at 17:00…

The main reason for choosing to write today is two things…

Once I lost the focus of cooking the Christmas Diiner, once it was done, I sat down to eat and actually welled up with tears before I had taken the first bite, I just felt a mouring loss… I just felt sick with that feeling…

I cooked enough to feed 5000, I ate enough to feed 1/5 of a person, I guess it’ll freeze…

Also another one of the main whirlwind thoughts today and why I am writing to either vent or explain irrational thoughts, I’ve had people contact me to ask how I am, it’s nice and shows that they care, I really do appreciate it, the trouble is when you’re like this it’s about not about the people who do contact you…

It’s about the people who do not…

You can easily say that why do you not just simply not contact them? Because I feel like to do so would be to just “bother” them…

I’ve chewed a lot today about this, family and a couple in particular, one a good friend who I go out of the way to help no matter the cost, they knew today would be a really difficult day for me… a day of hell and they haven’t even bothered to spend two seconds to message me… I know it’s an irrational thought, I admit to that but when like this it’s like a cold blade piercing your heart… just further proof that no matter what you do in your actions, no matter what you do for people, the lengths you go to… you’re ultimately worthless and insignificant… the chewing/recycling thought…

I’m sick of writing this now – about that worthless feeling – but it is what it is, a mood diary and that’s the way I feel at the minute… non-stop…

Pain…

And that is why feeling like this… so low, trapped in a darkened world… the pain… you do think about just ending it all because it’s not worth going through… I only write this because it was on my mind, again I tell myself to FUCK OFF with the thought and know it is just a fantasy to escape from this pain, I remain in control with absolutely no thought of carrying it out but it is there and you just have to keep on fighting it off…

To be honest it’s annoying that my brain thinks that way and why I recognise it as such an irrational thought… it helps knowing that deep down I can recognise the irrationality of it all… but it is what it is and I am honest here…