Posted on by champooon

23/01/2017 – 25/01/2017

25/01/2017

Just a quick update that will probably turn into a ramble…

23/01/2017

I couldn’t make it to work on the 23rd Jan with the meds… I managed to fall asleep in the shower and wake up two hours later with a start… I was a touch out of it to say the least… I called in to work after waking up in the shower and I actually have no recollection of the phone call… I slept most of the day, it wasn’t until 15:00 that I started to regain any semblance of myself and my next dose was due in a couple of hours…
24/01/2017

It was my first day working yesterday – 24th Jan – on the tablets and it went relatively okay.

I was pretty sedated in the morning but comparing that to when I am hyper on a morning and trying to work it was a no contest.

I could think, though it took a little bit of time to put my thoughts into a coherent thought but there was no sat in my own world for two hours trying to grab a thought out of the air…

I’ll take that.

It was an observation that I made on the afternoon that made me decide to write.

It’s funny, when the medication starts to wear off, I can feel the hyper raging in the back ground, it’s still there and present, it just feel like my brain cannot access it or it cannot be bothered to access it.

The more the medication wears off, the more the hyper comes to the fore. I should have took the medication an hour earlier than what I did, by the time I took it I was in a bit of a spin, a bit alert and some irrational thought occured – the first time since I started taking the medication really. I was so sure that I had pushed away a good friend with my antics of late, it terrified me and I couldn’t  concentrate.

Once the medication started to settle in I wasn’t too bad though it turned into a difficult night, I didn’t sleep as well as I would like, especially on the medication which leads to today…

25/01/2017

It’s early morning, I am pretty zombie at the minute, more of the meds than off the mood. With not sleeping too well last night, I am really feeling it now.

My mood is up and positive though so I’ll take that…

If I close my eyes I would fall asleep at work. I am just trying to keep myself awake and focusing on the tasks at hand to keep me awake…

Today will be a long day…

I’ve got to ramp up the medication again tonight, 150mg for the first time… that will probably knock me out…

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19/01/2017 – 22/01/2017

22/01/2017

After the main CMHT appointment and my summary there, I have no need to continue with a drilled in regimental day by day updating.

 

It’s going to be more relaxed now, I’ll keep it updated with how I feel and all that but when I want.

 

Before whilst updating, as much as it helped with a release, somedays it was the last thing that I wanted to do – relive the day – but I had to force myself to do it… Needs must and all that…

 

19/01/2017

19th – After the appointment:

 

You know, the appointment went better than I expected, Dr Soriene was great, I was able to get most of what I wanted to say across, we acknowledged the issues and plan of action, that’s the main thing I needed, a plan of action and to feel like it’s moving forward with the progress rather than being stuck just waiting for the next appointment…
I guess the main point of call with this update is the “M”edication…
F*** me…

 

Day 1 = gameover and goodnight…

 

Eyes closed for a second… sleep came for hours…

I first took the 50mg, tried to fight the sedation for an hour or two… next thing I know I open my eyes, it’s the next day and 15 hours has gone by… I was able to stay awake long enough to have some toast and go to the toilet before my eyes closed and another three hours had gone by.

20/01/2017
The 20th passed by in a blur of sleep and sedation…

Either it shown how much the new meds kicked my ass or how much that I needed the sleep after the events of the last couple of weeks.

 

I had to call in off work the first day after taking the meds, even to move my arm and then to press on a touch screen phone was an effort. It was ridiculous what the meds did to me but in a way it was nice to be slowed down for a change and able to relax, it was a while since I was last able to do that.

 

I just had started to feel somewhat alert again before it came time to take my second dose.

 

My mate was coming over that night so I had held off as long as I could with the dose, I actually feared taking it after the first days gameover but needs must.

I popped it and was able to fight off the sedation before the goodnight came. Maybe two-three hours this time before my ass was kicked. He had to let himself out whilst I was snoozing on the sofa…

21/01/2017

 

On the 21st, after maybe twelve+ hours of sleep I had a new bed delivered, the morning was a bit of a blur but that got set up thanks to family and obviously… I had to have a snooze on it… yey more sleep! It was good to see them also…

 

I had a meal planned for that afternoon, nice three course with a group of awesome people, normally I would be a bit anxious before going, what is it going to be like for me?

 

Am I going to want to be there? Please let me talk and have a laugh…

 

This time there was no issues. We got to the restaurant and got seated – we were sat in the middle table of the restaurant and I hate that, I hate having to sit in the midst of everyone, I always like to be in the corner out of the way, less noise and activity then – but this time I wasn’t really bothered. A couple of irritated moments came but went in seconds, where normally they would have started to build into a whirlwind and disrupt my enjoyment, this time I was able to dismiss them…

 

Probably helped still feeling pretty highly sedated off the meds mind…

 

It was a lush meal, we had a laugh, I was my usual idiot self and when it came to the end, got back and stuck a film on and it turned into a good night…

 

I took my final dose of the 50mg before stepping up to 100mg tomorrow, slept like a baby and awoke feeling refreshed, not too sedated and able to think fine, my body feels nicely relaxed and a bit slow but I can live with that. Today was the first day where I was really able to go and get myself to the shops with no issues on the meds.

 

As an aside – I nearly killed myself in the middle of the night forgetting that it was a new bed, lower to the ground, I swung my legs out of the bed but didn’t expect my feet to hit the ground so soon – drug fueled toilet break in the middle of the night zombie mode – and went flying, that was fun…

22/01/2017

 

Today is fine – 22nd – I had a little moment where the washer was starting to really annoy me, the loud noise disrupting any semblance of thought… this wound me up and I started for some reason thinking about issues that had annoyed me earlier in 2016 but the second

 

I realised I was starting to chew on this I was able to dismiss it…

 

Yey!

 

It did make me realise that even though the meds seem to be working so far, my mood deep down is a high, I know that with the irrational anger earlier but I’m quickly able to snap myself out of it without any consequential damage.

 

Today, the big test is upping my dose to 100mg, if the impact is anything like me first taking 50mg, it’ll definitely be a gameover day/night and probably next day…

Not good when I’ve got work on the 23rd… I guess it is a case of wish me luck!
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CMHT appointment 19/01/2017

Cyclothymia or Bipolar.

Signs of the lows/highs point to confirming Bipolar, the fact that I remain in control most of the time could point to Cyclothymia….

Such lows/highs as I have are rare with Cyclothymia though.

On the other hand I haven’t totally lost it as some people can on a high with Bipolar… yet. (note 2.2)
Point to consider for remaining in control – back and forth:

1. Noted as child I was obsessed with patterns, creating half a pattern and then having to complete the other half with perfect symmetry, points to a coping mechanism for a difficult childhood and long standing problems, self created and developed coping mechanisms for mental problems from an early age…

2. I am at a key age, 31, medically at 30 your brain is fully developed and it will not progress any further, it is only downhill (brain wise) from 30 on a development stand point so;

2.1 I have created the needed coping mechanisms/brakes for Bipolar and this could be the worst it gets as I already have them set in place with suffering from it from an early age…

or

2.2 It is getting worse now as I have passed the brain development age and signs point to it getting worse with age – current case for example: 55 year old male had first hopsital visit from Mania after suffering from it for 30+ years.

  note: Time of year – Christmas – the year I’ve had and incorrect medication could also be a trigger for recent developments.

2.3 If Cyclothymia, likely to progress to Bipolar due to age.

  2.4 It is what it is now, try not to stress about it too much, I’m stuck with it.
Further investigation needed.

Medication routine:

Reduce Fluoxetine from 60mg to 40mg – immediately – for two weeks. After that, I should be able to come off it quicker once I get down to 20mg. Have to ease off it or I will suffer withdrawal symptoms.

Take Quetiapine 50mg for three days, 100mg for three days, then 150mg for fourteen days. This can be increased to 800mg. After my body is set on 150mg then the side effects will be at it’s worst. After 150mg, the side effects will appear the same as if I was taking 800mg.

Expect severe side effects each time I increase my dose initially – 50 – 100 – 150mg.

Three – Fourteen days for the full side effects to wear off.

Most likely side effect: Sickness, Headaches, extremely groggy and sedated on a morning.

Key point – get through fourteen days then go from there before making a decision on the medication, expect to have a horrible first two weeks. It will treat both mood states and sleeping issue. Best medication for it. Alternative is Lithium.

Quetiapine – may increase weight due to increased appetite, must control it, medication doesn’t increase weight, it’s the increasd appetite that will.

Lithium – likely to poison my kidneys long term.

No contest.

Once my body is used to Quetiapine, another drug will be added to the treatment but my body could not cope with the Fluoxetine, Quetiapine and this other one at the moment. Need to be at 150mg Quetiapine, 0mg Fluoxtine before this new one is introduced also.

Full review 02/02/2017 @ 11:30am

Posted on by champooon

17/01/2017

17/01/2017

Just a quick update, this will be the last time I write in the mood diary for a while, I’ve got the CMHT meeting on the 19th, it is a funeral tomorrow and I just want to shut down and forget the issues for a while – no Dr. Champ, no self analysis, just a relax.

I think I’ve typed enough to be honest…

As for today, I’ve just got to work… my sleep was atrocious again last night, I didn’t get more than two hours of sleep consecutively, awake every single hour without fail, tossing and turning all night, having weird, negative dreams… the moment I woke up my brain was awake… too much going on, too much coming up to think clearly…

Overall though I’m feeling happy yet really, really zombie…

I’ll get through the day… I know that… I just need to figure out how I’ll stay awake.

I’ll give an update after the CMHT appointment…

Let’s hope… Unfortunately I have a feeling this isn’t going to be any Hollywood ending…

Posted on by champooon

16/01/2017

16/01/2017

It wasn’t the best of preparation for the day… only four hours sleep…

I was pretty awake though and surprisingly not trapped in a whirlwind when I first woke up…

I was energetic and bouncing around really, I did get the sick stomach lurching moments when I realised that I wouldn’t be seeing my good friend today… It was horrible, so many moments where I thought oh I’ll do this… oh that is right… I cannot, they are not here…

Overall though the day went quickly, much of a blur, I was busy at work and that is good for me when I am like this… when I can concentrate and function anyway…

The second I wasn’t busy or “thinking” I soon started to chew and get wound up…

I couldn’t face taking lunch alone and really did not feel hungry, my appetite lately is non existent so I just sat in a quiet room to myself and tried to slow down a touch…

It helped in a way, an hour of peace let me get under control again to see out the day…

The trouble is… I got through the day okay, got through the night okay – my good friend came over and we had a good chat – but when it comes to sleeping it was non existent.

I gave up trying to sleep after two hours and decided to write this update instead…

Tomorrow if I do not get to sleep any time soon I am going to be well Zombie!!

Posted on by champooon

14/01/2017 – 15/01/2017

I’m writing this during the day of the 16/01/2017…

My weekend was a blur…

14/01/2017

I had such a vivid dream on the 14/01/2017 that I had to text my mate to ask if it was real or if I had imagined it…

When I am like this, everything just merges together.

I do not sleep, I am lucky to get more than a couple of hours sleep at a time… it’s so restless…

I’ve fully hit Zombie Mode… I want to do everything but my body feels broken…

Brain = energy, body = dead…

Saturday I slept fitfully all day, I hadn’t planned anything for the weekend as I knew I would need a recovery weekend… it didn’t really help. I wanted to do everything and nothing… I needed to recharge but that was the last thing I wanted to do…

I was still upset from the day before though it wasn’t as bad… I was ignoring it in a way I guess, like I can do sometimes when like this… Or maybe my brain was racing too fast to lock down on any specific thoughts…

15/01/2017

I can remember watching a full film from 02:00 – 03:45, sleep came around 05:00 for a couple of hours…

Sunday was much of the same, throw in my irrationally trying out the gym too, my brain won out over common sense, I went to the gym, shopped, cleaned all by 11:30am, I got a shower and my body returned to zombie… I had exhausted myself too much, the rest of the day a blur…

I really cannot pick anything out of consequence that happened…

I was trapped in chewing myself up when I could think… Tomorrow – which is now today – will be my first day at work without my Light… I really did dread it and felt sick just thinking about it… I knew it really wouldn’t set in until I was actually facing the day…

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13/01/2017

13/01/2017

Today was the day…
 

It didn’t really matter what type of mood I was in today… it was always going to be a bad day all things considering…

I was losing my Light…

I hardly slept, too much racing through the brain to turn off…

I still feel awake and alert though my body is seriously hitting zombie mode now, awake for hours on end…

Anyway, the day…

You know when things just do not go to plan… well that was how Friday started, especially with the lack of sleep then the snow messing up all travel plans… kinda went from there…

I was just no good today, total Hyper mixed with a depressive situation, such a mixed state had me all over the place.

I’d be happy, then irrational and bite and want to argue, then upset and on the edge of breaking down… I lost count of how many times I had to hold back tears today or how many times I actually did cry… though I did try everything to keep it together.

The morning went by in a blur, I wasn’t too bad to be honest – considering the above – I expected to be much worse but I was able to work and function…

We had our final lunch together which was really nice but edged with emotion.

The closer it got to 17:00, the worse I got…

There was no way of avoiding the situation or ignoring it anymore, it was happening today…

By the time 17:00 came, work goodbyes had been said and the time came four our journey home for the final time, I was upset, there is no two ways about it. The worst thing that could happen was in the process of happening…

How do you say goodbye to an amazing person? Who is there for you day in, day out, I probably spend more time with this person than anyone else in my life… and they are leaving…

Once we had said our goodbyes, just getting to my house was difficult, I was pretty much devastated, the moment I walked through the door I just wanted to sob… I did…

Tonight was the first night I’ve drank at home in months… I just want to get drunk, fall asleep and forget the world…

I’m a f****** wreck…

Posted on by champooon

08/01/2017 – 12/01/2017

12/01/2017

I’m so Hyper… my sleep is all over… my body is knackered but my mind is AWAKE!

What a week, where have I got to?!

The best way to describe my current mood is “OASFODHFOADJFSDFJSDF!”

Though I need to keep this updated so forcing myself to write now, this could take a while… concentrate…

I guess I best rewind first to the 08/01/2017…

I’m not proud of what I wrote on the 08/01/2017, I was tempted to delete it but I guess it shows what my mind is like when I have a complete meltdown…

I don’t deal well with bad news I guess…

Sunday 8th started off “great,” I didn’t have too much sleep but I was on the high so it didn’t really matter, after maybe 4 hours sleep I was up and at the gym by 10:30, got done in there, shopped and got settled down for an unwind of a day… generally buzzing really…

Then bad news arrived… one of my closest friends from work and an absolute rock for me did get the other job in the end and I recieved the news Sunday and I went into absolute meltdown… they would be gone by Friday 13th (typically) with thoughts that I would never see them again…

Anger, rage, frustration… absolute sobbing… my mood went all over the place, I got trapped in my head and hours went by with my crying or just looking into space chewing on everything… it was like my world was ending… I wanted to release the frustration… it played out in my mind just smashing up my place…

It just felt like I couldn’t go on, the best solution that my head was telling me was to end it, I had to fight so hard to get this out of my head or not remove it totally but to just try and ignore it… I won’t lie, I did sit and think how could I do it but more of a fantasy probably to just get me away from the erratic moood I was in… It was a terrible day…

I tried calling a couple of my close friends but two were working overtime and one wasn’t available…

I felt I had no option, I had to call the Crisis Team, I couldn’t think rationally and just needed to talk to someone, to help try get my brain functioning again and thinking through the problem logically rather than just ARGH. My best option I had was to take some sleeping tablets and just hope for the best in falling asleep…

That was around 17:00, I battled through to 19:00 after some advice, took two sleeping tablets and just passed out around 21:00. It didn’t really help though, I’ve said before the sleeping tablets do not keep me asleep when on a Hyper… nevermind throwing in the bad news…

00:00 I was awake, 01:00, 02:00, by then I just gave up trying to sleep, my mind was all over, I just got up and sat wrapped in a blanket in the dark lost in my own world… I maybe slept around an hour between 06:00 – 07:00 and my alarm went off for work…

09/01/2017…

A blur… I was again, all over the place, I didn’t go into work, called two friends around 08:00 in anger and tears, my mind was in gear 1000, I couldn’t think straight… much of the day passed by with me doing very little other than trapped in the whirlwind…

This went on until around 21:00, all f****** day like that, one point I just wanted to let loose at the world, the other I was actually letting out anguished wails whilst crying, I just couldn’t function…

I must have finally just crashed out asleep from exhaustion, I was dead to the world, got sleep from I don’t know when but it was probably 5 hours sleep in total…

The day really is just a blur…
 

10/01/2017

I woke up still chewing but much less… Recharged kinda…

Once the initial shock factor was over I started to shurg off the bad news and think f*** it, I’m ignoring this, I’m Hyper… I think I’ve said before Hyper me lets Future me worry about it…

Shower power!! I sorted my head out in the shower, figured I can work and do this…
And my mood went through the roof…

DON’T STOP MOVING BABY!!!

Total HEEYYYOOO HYPER kicked in…

That news went on to ignore and I was bouncing…

Started dancing about after the shower, getting ready for work, singing away thinking f*** it today I’m conquering the world… or work anyway to start with…

My mind was racing but it was racing in a functioning way for a change, I had all the ideas of what I can do that day, who I should talk to, what I needed to get sorted, the whole button pressed, right lets get my life sorted, full motivation GO!

And this is the scary thing about the HYPER, when you experience moments like this…. IT.IS.AMAZING… honestly, that guy from Monday? Who is that, I F****** LOVE THE WORLD AND THE WORLD LOVES ME…

The good at his job, laughing, talking, cracking on bloke was doing his thing…

I breezed through the day like I had caffeine on drip… I wanted to talk to everyone and wanted to do everything at once…

It was a while since this guy had got to play so I thought f*** it and rolled with it…

Made the most of the time with the friend who was leaving and ensured it was a happy time rather than sad, how it should be at the end…

The night I had plans to see a mate but it got late… 20:00… yeah I thought that was late everything considered… and we rearranged for the next day so we could have a better talk of everything going on…

I went to bed for 21:00, probably fell asleep around 02:00 though having the wild adventures in my head – obviously anything but sleep – slept a couple of hours and was up and active, ready for another day…

11/01/2017

Pretty much a repeat of the day before, it rocked and I rocked obviously off very little sleep but ENERGY baby…

I multi-tasked the shit out of work, had a laugh and probably didn’t shut up but anyway…

One of my closest friends came over that night, I pretty much gave a full update and I talked about it all, the darkest times to the highest, the pity, pain and sorrow to the DON’T STOP MOVING BABY!

It was good to talk and explain plus he is like a brother to me anyway so it is always a good catch up, something we plan to do more regular again… I look forward to it…

I had to have a sleeping tablet to help me sleep that night, not much in the end, I was up from 03:00 but that didn’t really bother me, I was still hitting the high streak so I kept myself busy then had a nice long shower… obviously…

12/01/2017

 So it was really the events of tonight that made me decide to write this…

Ah man, you can only hold back the bad news so long… even when like this…

It’s not until now that I realise what I had done and totally blocked out the bad news… I hadn’t turned it into positive or good vibes, I had just stubborn-arsed-typical-male shut it out…

The day at work was okay, my mind was racing but I could function, got through to lunch without any incident and the friend and I had our normal lunch together but then it started to creep in that this will be the final time we visit our usual cafe together before they leave…

Wait? Yes… remember that… tomorrow is the final day… after 3 years of travelling to and from work with each other – minus a few month inbetween the first and second year – working with each other, lunching together every day, just being a support for each other through those years, tomorrow is the final day of all that…

Gate… Open…

Everything I blocked out came rushing back in…

Now I’ve strung together a few nice days of this Hyper so it didn’t crush me straight away but it started to dawn on me…

Honestly, I had totallly blocked it out…

But it is happening…

Tomorrow…

Sledge. Hammer. Face…

F****** hell it is tomorrow…

I kept it mostly together until 16:59…

One of the people from work isn’t in tomorrow so it was time for them to say their goodbyes…

Sledge. Hammer. Face…

F*** me, that was painful seeing that…

Sledge. Hammer. Face…

We travelled home together and I was in a state of shock and emotionally on edge there was no two ways about it…

I broke at the end when it came to say goodbye and it’s not even the final day…

Now I’m running on empty with that dawning… but I’d promised I would go to the gym tonight and I made sure to keep that promise…

It would help release some of the emotion though I am really starting to run on empty now…

I go with one of my closest friends and to be honest my head was all over, my mind was racing and I was lost in my own world even whilst doing reps at the gym, I could have easily cried if I let myself but I fought it back…

Got home and started to write… god this has taken hours to concentrate enough to write this all down…

I really do dread tomorrow, if you asked me last year what is one of the worst things that could happen… this would be it… I actually asked myself that question last year – name two of the worst things that could happen to you within the next year and both became true…
Tonight and sleep should be fun, at least I’ve wrote long enough to make me sleepy and wonder where the night has gone…
Posted on by champooon

…

FUCK YOU!

IF THERE IS A GOD, FUCK YOU, SERIOUSLY… FUCK YOU AND FUCK OFF.

WHY DO YOU ALWAYS LET ME MAKE PROGRESS, TWO STEPS FORWARD THEN NO MATTER WHAT YOU ALWAYS DELIVER A SLEDGE HAMMER STRAIGHT TO MY FACE SENDING ME RIGHT BACK AT THE BOTTOM.

EVERY. SINGLE. FUCKING. TIME.

OH RYAN LOOKS LIKE HE IS GETTING HAPPY AGAIN, WE CANNOT BE HAVING THAT…

JUST FUCK OFF FUCKING WITH MY LIFE.

WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE A LIFE LIKE THIS?

I DO NOT CARE ABOUT MYSELF, JUST OTHERS, MY PURPOSE IS TO TRY AND LOOK OUT FOR THOSE AROUND ME… THAT IS WHAT I DO…

NO MATTER WHAT I DO IT HAS NEVER BEEN ENOUGH…

WELL FUCK YOU…

WHY DO I EVEN BOTHER ANYMORE…

WHAT IS THE POINT TO IT FUCKING ALL…

Posted on by champooon

07/01/2017

07/01/2017

So are my assumptions correct so far on the shift to Hyper?

Well after 4 hours sleep last night – waking up three times – by 14:00 I had cleaned the house, washed the dishes, sorted and completed my washing, gone to the gym, done my shopping, prepared and started to cook a slow cooked beef dinner and had a shower…

And my first thought after all that was what can I do next?!

With The Crash, I can have a routine of sleep between 11:00 – 16:00 easily on a day off and this is when I catch up on the lost sleep of the night before…

With the hyper, I don’t need rest… yet…

I had time to fill until my mate was coming over later on for the night.

So… start a film and watch half, start an episode and watch most of it but save the ending, put the computer on and oh, forget why I had thought this would keep me entertained…

Ah let’s do some free weights in the house, nevermind the gym earlier…

Another thing, take a certain “thought” that when on The Crash would bring me sorrow and sadness, this “thought” when Normal I would think nothing of it and shug it off, “thought” when Hyper gives me an intake of breath and a quickened pulse in anger…

Same guy, same brain, just what feels like a different mode all together…

Don’t get me wrong, I’m in control, I’m just explaining the way it feels…

Something pisses me off – that really shouldn’t, something really daft – and for a split second it’s like a quick thought and bodily reaction, quick intake of breath, eyes widen, pulse quickens, you almost feel the adrenaline kick in as if you’re ready for anything, but constantly this happens with each new thought…

And…
The trouble is when like this, I’ve managed to string the “thoughts” together to get myself really pissed off about a random subject that wouldn’t bother me normally. to the point where my entire body is tense and on edge…

My neck muscles strain against it… I am not like that today, nowhere near to be honest but there are plenty of times where I’ve worked myself up to this point…
Also how do I know I’m feeling rather Hyper?

Well I’m writing this now and using it as an excuse to avoid sleeping… I’m sure I’ll find something to do after too… My mate has gone and ready for bed were their last words… it’s now the last thought on my mind…

I’ve had the grand plans, I’m going to do this and that, change this and that, I have a determination to see it through…

I’ve got plans for the gym in the morning, 10:30 with a friend so obviously rest and sleep isn’t a concern…

I also remembered something from my youth, when all the shit had gone down and I was dragged along to my “new home” – I was around 10-11 years old – I became obsessed with shapes, making patterns in my mind but they had to be symmetrical, I’d spend hours alone in my bedroom, eyes closed making different images, I’d play out one side of a pattern in my mind and then have to replicate the other side exactly, new shape after new shape… they had to have symmetry…

I found myself doing it earlier and this is what triggered the memory… something I think I do subconsciously almost… 20 years later…

I don’t have much an issue with the songs or lyrics today, that only lasted until around 13:00 today…

All this and I’m nowhere in full swing yet…

Yey!