01/12/2016

I’m writing this early, I won’t be able to do this tonight…

I’m exhausted, running on empty and feel like an automated robot…

Tired, on edge, irritated at the slighest thing, wanting to explode for no reason – just trying to survive work.

Mini break down for the first hour – so emotional, the thought of having to survive the day feeling like this… sat in the toilet and cried.

It’ll be home and straight to bed, even if I can’t sleep I just need to try and rest…

I’m not on a crash, still wanting to laugh and joke on but too exhausted to function.

30/11/2016

What a day…

Very little sleep, 3 hours if I’m lucky and that is after taking a second tablet given to me by the doctor to help me sleep at around 3am. Just could not shut down.

Still on a high, alert and wide eyed, feeling strangely overall happy considering everything though behind the scenes I’m exhausted and really on the edge if I think about it, thoughts racing about the day before whilst getting ready, cannot pin anyone particular thought down, just a deep feeling of helplessness mixed with the high, really confusing…

— (added later) After writing that and reading it back, I don’t think it was just a feeling of helplessness, added in to that there was anger and annoyance. I felt like I had a Hulk-Smash going on inside of me. At war, racing…

– I mentioned the edge, I stepped over the edge on the metro going to work, rush hour busy, I’m sat there and the mind is racing, silent tears just begin escaping from my eyes, trying to do everything to hold it together and not just sob. At the time I cannot place why and still unsure, best I can guess… that helplessness (revise above) against what I’m feeling, starting to feel so exhausted but still wired – hard to explain – knowing I’ve just got to get my head down and get on with it no matter how I’m feeling, I’ve got a life to live but thinking how? This is not THE CRASH upset though, it’s raw passion/emotion without that end of the world feeling, I guess the high in a way is protecting me, the way I’m looking at it is that I’m lucky I have been on a high the last two days rather than a CRASH, I don’t want to think how I’d be reacting if like that…

– Work, first two hours I can’t function, sit in silence, looking at nothing, lost in my thoughts. People have spoke to me and it’s took a few times of them saying before anything has registered… I get to talk it out and that helps, let out some emotion, start to think again and try settle down to work.

– Stubborn mode the day, tough going, surprised I got through the full day but happy. Feeling relieved but know it’s go time again tomorrow. Needed the lunch break and an hour to regroup.

– After work catch up with friend, explain what’s going on with myself, good to talk again. Home and a bit calmer, more focused, all day I was in the mind that no way can I write tonight but found a way to.

– I should feel exhausted after the day/days and sleep of late, I don’t unfortunately though I’m starting to feel that I’m burning out. You’ve still got the electricity going on but you’re starting to dim… there is only so long that you can keep up like this…

29/11/2016

Mood diary…

It’s hard to rate yourself in numbers, I’ll just better try to say but keep it concise… or try to…

– Still feeling high, it’s easy to get frustrated like this and I felt that today and I just had to remind myself to breathe and think things through later.
— Frustration felt because I feel like I’m no further forward though if I look at it logically I am in a way…

– When the doctor was asking questions at the end, it was hard to concentrate and express myself, everything was racing and I just had to try and absorb to take it in later.

– Got upset at feeling helpless after the appointment but that was just a feeling, talking with friends helped and still overall on a high so I can ride that out, it wasn’t like the upset I get when I have crashed, nothing like the abject misery I feel when like that.

– I’m in the mind frame to shrug things off, I have a hollow pit of your stomach feeling but I’m just doing my usual and ignoring it as best I can whilst feeling alert yet exhausted riding the high, strange right… don’t want to analyse why that feeling is there.

– And as I’ve typed this if I look back on the day I realise my thoughts have been racing on everything and anything all day, the day feels like a blur, it,s 21:41 and I don’t know where the time has gone… jumped from one activity to the other all day without really thinking about it…

P.s. Thoughts turn to sleep tonight… haha what sleep?

————-

So after writing that I have thought more of today and analyised, it’s what I do…

Why was I so frustrated earlier?

Dr. Champ time… let’s jump into that brain of mine… god help me…

I had prepared myself for the first meeting, I knew I was going in for the talk so I kind of knew what to expect and was comfortable, open and honest and able to express myself as I wished. Fine so far…

For the break though it gave me time to think through what I’d said, had I said everything I wanted, expressed myself enough… do I just sound crazy? Fair enough you may say but you’re riding a high, once you put the brain into gear 5 you’re already at gear 50… the whirlwind starts…

By that point you’re holding it together to function but not really there anymore, you’re lost in your own thoughts, the second meeting started with an additional doctor and it just threw me.

– Funny aside, at one point there was a communcation breakdown and I thought I was getting sectioned… no shit! “We will take you from here” and not what I think was meant to be said… “you will take this from here…” new underwear please!!!

After that, I could just nod and say yes… “Any questions you may want to ask?!”

YES!!! A MILLION!!!! BUT I CANNOT DO ANYTHING BUT F****** NOD AND SAY YES…

There is the frustration… Dr. Champ does it again…

Hmm…

… Sleep? Hahaha… good one…

Mood Diary Introduction?

Why the f*** am I writing a mood diary introduction you may ask… or even a f****** mood diary for that matter?

HEEYYYOOO HYPER is f****** what…

Sorry… -1 on the language coming up…

Right…

Where to start? You know the HEEYYYOOO HYPER by now so this may take some time though if I catch it right, it could be short and sweet…

Like you believe that.

I started out by thinking that I was going to do what I was told and fill out a form with numbers to show how I am feeling but sorry, that doesn’t really help me, throw in a pop culture reference about being more than a number/link to machine or some shit – think that through later – you may see that I’m typing rather than thinking it all out in my head and realising I haven’t typed and then have to start all again… but this is what you end up with so you see why I sometimes try to think if through… a ramble explaining why I am writing a Mood Diary is where we end up…

Anyway…

Today – CMHT meeting. Look that up – it’ll help expand your thinkymeat…

To be honest, after everything of late – THECRASH vs HEEYYYOOO HYPER – I was kinda holding everything on today – illogical expectation now I look back – hoping I can have a step by step plan of what’s going to happen and how it’s going to happen but I ended up with a mood diary to keep for now… yey! – ignore all emotions for now…

The night before, I had a restless nights sleep considering the high and what was to come… restless as in one or two hours of sleep, the rest noticing what patterns my ceiling makes in the dark… Super sleepy but still alert as always after a night of hyper.

I got a lift to the meeting from one of my best mates and as we were parked outside I see a lady walk by that looks like the doctor out of Rocky IV…
“You have head problem?”
“Take off your pants!”
I crack on to my mate… turns out that lady was the second doctor I was to see that day… who was from Eastern Europe – per chance if you read the upcoming 29/11/2016 Mood Diary entry you will come across what I thought was an about to happen attempted kidnapping of my goodself with her… anyway…

After everything, waiting 7+ weeks since my appointment request… I’m here… writing this and my mood diary…

Well it gives me something to focus on…

– Two hellish weeks suffered of THE CRASH… probably the worst I’ve faced yet… fuck man that was tough, no point holding anything back… anyway…

HEEYYYOOO HYPER!
– good luck reading this (before typing)
– – you’ll see… (added after typing)

I was advised to write, I wrote, it helped… so I am back again, here with you now to share the different side to me, the “energetic” side… who am I sharing this with? No idea yet, we’ll see but for now this is to relieve some pent up energy…

Energy? Who is this guy… from THE CRASH? Can’t be… But aye… the joys of the differing states…

I wanted to wait till I was in an for another ride so that I could try and explain what it is like but that is pretty much impossible, how do I express a thousand thoughts at once because that is what I’m feeling right now…

One day I’m crying… the next this… anyway the brain is telling me…

Write this – then I can do this – Oh shit that’s clever – what if I said this… I need to say this… aaannndddd finished… wait I didn’t type anything…

My brain has skipped from gear 1 to gear 10… 1000?! or that is how it feels, whilst focusing on something – writing – I’m having too many thoughts to be able to type them down quick enough so for now I’ll rewind a bit and take myself back to how it starts…

Or try too… Where to begin?

I’ve found and I’ll probably – definitely – find this will be a ramble… but since I’ve come this far why stop… just realised I side tracked myself there… see too many thoughts…

But anyway… what I call my hyper mode…

You rise up from the ashes of the depression and you really feel that you can conquer the world, you’re alive and electric, what can hold you back? All the problems you faced before? Bah, they are nothing… NOTHING… who cares anymore?!

– side note – From recent thinking, it comes after the depression… could be wrong.

You feel like you’re floating and also you’re aware of everything going on around you… it’s like when you have that first sip of caffeine in the morning… you’re alert and ready but permanently switched on.

You come out of a depressive battle and it’s like stepping out of your bedroom and being able to be on the top of Everest shouting “Hello world and a good day to you all,” because that is how it feels…

It is not until recently that I come to recognise hyper mode for what it is and that is why it can be scary. It hides in what you think is plain sight…

… It feels normal in a way because you’re just happy that you aren’t on the brink of emotional breakdown anymore, you know you’ve made it through another round of World War 3 Depression… yeah it’s weird… it just feels like you’re returning to (and I hate to say this but it is the best way to describe it) normal but really it isn’t… you’re too “up there!”

Same guy, same brain, just what feels like a different mode all together… the HEEYYYOOO HYPER! mode…

Sounds good right? In a way but damn, I’ve come to realise I’ve got to be careful when like this for multiple reasons… some might not sound bad but it’s switched on… 24/7… no let up until it’s run it’s course and you’ve ridden it out… again… time to be AWARE.

– I’ll be a loveable, laughable, roguish and a witty tease, playful, talking and never shutting up… for a while until you come face to face with that line to not cross? Ha… what line? It’s so easy to take it too far or continue pushing it, you’re shouting at yourself to shut up now, you’ve had your fun but damn, you’re on fire today so why stop now? Aye, it’s so easy to go too far…

– I’m really chilled, it takes a lot to really piss me off when I’m not in this mode but man, say something that for today I find annoying and I’ll want to bite your head off… deep breathes… unfortunately sometimes you can’t stop yourself, you can be a right bastard and afterwards it’s always why did I say that?! You know it normally wouldn’t bother you so what the hell THAT ISN’T YOU?! Ah well, who cares… for now… future me can repair that… ** dumbass… seriously…

– And with that, again laid back guy right? Logical, thinks things through, rational… yeah, where’s that guy when I’m like this? Set me a challenge and I’ll stubborn mode it and do it – male-pride-high-five-dumbass-only-we-really-know-mode it can be also known as… 26 mile fell run in 6 months time when you’ve never run a mile in ten years, unfit? Yeah why not? Nearly killed me but yey! I did it… hmm somtimes it does help I guess but anyway… that’s a good example, rational guy? Thinks things through… Ok one MILD example that has sprung to mind from a while back… in this mode grand plans are afoot it seems at anytime you decide, spent ages building a life, amazing friends and job, nice place to live… hey I could throw it all away and just go somewhere new for shits and giggles, no logical reason why but it sounds tempting… it may sound daft but for me, honestly afterwards when normal mode resumes I’m shaking my head thinking what the hell?! How close I came to throwing it all away, sometimes it feels like the finger is on the button, who cares if it’s the self destruct button… you can face anything…

– Money? Oh I’ve been saving up? Ah who cares, you can soon save up again, you’ve been depressed so let’s go get some new clothes, night out, meals etc. Future You will worry about that… that thing that you’ve been saving up for… ah who cares? Again… normal mode resumes and I’m shaking my head thinking good one… genius…

– Urges… nothing sinister… mwhahahahaha… no really but still… urges.

– Energy… Oh baby there is plenty of it… sounds good right? Well yes but not when it’s 1am in the morning, you’re writing a ramble, you’ve had 5 hours sleep in 48 hours and you’ve got work the next day but what is sleep? Sleep is for the weak, I don’t need that and anyway, you honestly think I could sleep right now? I’ll close my eyes and the brain goes into even more overdrive… what is shut down? Let’s think up of things that you can do when you decide on giving up trying to sleep and when you’ve finished that, hmmm, sleep..? Nope, let’s think of the day gone by or a book or a film or make up my own adventure, it’s almost like you forget that you’re trying to sleep but hours pass, you’re still awake and you finally give up… you’ll eventually run out of energy unbeknown to you as it seems at around 5-6am, you’re work alarm will go off at 7am and HEY, LET’S ROCK – ENERGY RIGHT! YEY! Again sound’s good right? Well not until you’re stuck on rinse and repeat until you totally burn-out and enter what I call zombie mode…

– Zombie mode… How on earth do I explain this? Brain not working but must work… must function… you hyper member, be alert… must work live, hello happy worl… brraaiinnzzzz…. the day passes by until I get to bed, total can’t function crash but sleep… recharge… aaannnnndddd rinse and repeat for a few more days…
You go through this until your body can’t take anymore, it’s like you finally get a let up and it says enough is enough, you run out… you either get lucky and normality resumes for a while or you go into… THE CRASH…

Never ending… yep! Joy!

And that’s only what I’ve been thinking about tonight, another thousand ideas have come and gone whilst writing this, honestly I don’t know if this makes sense but I’m typed out,

Same guy, same brain, just what feels like a different mode all together…

THE CRASH vs HEEYYYOOO HYPER! vs Please sir? Can I have normal mode…

So I guess this is my battle… the one I face…

Bipolar Disorder…

I wanted to write something… something that is as real as real can be for me… in words anyway… something to think about for myself… maybe others if someone stumbles along to this…

I don’t really know how far I will take this but I find that giving myself something to focus on helps. That focus – for when times get desperate or are needed – will be writing, here. I want to write about what I think and feel, what it’s like to suffer from Bipolar, the ups/downs and hopefully to give some insight to the disorder too…

To be honest, it will be a place for me to ramble on…

So if you do stumble here, good luck with that, one thing I can promise you, it’ll be an honest experience.

I wanted to write something first when my mood had switched, when I knew that I was in an episode, whichever came first…