Just give me some let up… surely it’s not too much to ask…

I’ve had the text window open for a while now debating which way to take this post and everything has pointed to one thing… RANT… let loose… what the f*** does it matter…

Let the eyes bleed from the language…

That’s not really going to get me anywhere though…

Why do I want to rant?

Well…

I am just sick to  death of chewing over the same s*** lately…

It’s absolutely destroying me at the minute… every moment  of downtime and quiet… the chew seizes it’s chance to launch a fresh seige against my wellbeing… and we’re not talking of a seige of the ages… there is no Helms Deep here… no earth shattering defences to lay to waste this foul seige and win the day out for me… we’re talking more of the capitulation of Japan after the nukes were dropped in WW2… seconds and it’s done… I am defeated… again… and it’s round what-the-f***-number-is-it-now… chew-time… ding, ding…

Er, right, yeah, no rant…

It’s just really taking it’s toll on me, wearing me down, it’s the first and last thought of each day… it’s just one long feeling of regret… 24/7 battle but yeah…

Moving on…

I had an appointment today with Dr. S. and we talked over the last six weeks, of what I see as a rejection, of my friends passing, of the ability to get back into the gym and the fact that if it wasn’t for outside circumstances controlling my mood, it wouldn’t have been too bad of a month compared to some of late… though the one kicker lately is that as the day rolls on, as I get more tired and the meds start to wear off, s*** starts to kick off in the thinkymeat and the day descends into a battle, the last couple of hours at work lately have been really difficult…

So we are changing the meds slightly, I am keeping the same dose of 450mg of Quetiapine but now I am on Quetiapine XL, it is a slow release dose which will last through the day. Rather than on the current tablet, where I get an ass kicking in one shot and it wears off during the day, the XL will control the release so that it should last me through the day… or that is the plan…

So after the appointment, I got to work and it was rinse and repeat… the day goes fine until around 15:00 then it starts to go downhill, I am tired, defences lowered… I get worked up and a lil upset – surprise sur-f******-prise… same subject I am chewing on…

That left me with a joyous battle for the last hour, quick escape at finish time and I get home and debate this post… as evidenced, I guess I needed to get some things off my chest… has it helped? Yes because I have had this to keep me occupied… no because I know that it still won’t stop me chewing… it’s just going to live with me for a long time and I am going to have to get used to the kicking…

Yey… and that is not negative thinking, I wish it was, it just is what it is… it’s Bipolar…

Figured I would write a quick update – I haven’t felt the need to write lately so in a way that is a good sign…

How has everything gone lately? It could be worse, it could be better…

One thing for sure though… Fridays absolutely kick my ass… it get’s to the end of the week and I am exhausted and running on empty… this lowers my defenses and leaves me with an element of exposure to my moods… I just need to keep reminding myself that this is down to the tiredness and not down to an “issue” at the moment otherwise that issue will take control and I’ll start chewing…

Where is my mood at? A modest hyper…

This week there has been moments with the irrational world ending anger, there has been a couple of occasions where I have needed to regain some semblance of control before I lash out and do something I regret… there has been moments of giddy excitement… moments of deep regret and one long moment of ridiculous elevated levels of libido… yes this is a side effect of the Mania too… it get’s distracting when you are not in a relationship… joy… sure you wanted to know that…

At least I am putting the increased energy to good use, out of the last 14 days, I’ve been to the gym 10 times, I can see an effect already so this has helped me get the gym “bug” back… I’m hooked again…

The lost friendship is still my first and last thought of each and every day… I just wish I could wave a magic wand and rectify the loss… it’s the one situation that continues to plague me… the one situation that leaves me with deep regrets… and the one situation I just wish I could fix…

This is my biggest issue at the minute…

I’ve also had moments where I was convinced work was trying to force me out…that and in moments of irrationality I start to debate who would really miss me if I disappeared, if I was gone… what does this life matter anyway… it leads to somewhere disturbing that I would rather not visit again…

And that is why it’s hard work… 24/7 awareness needed…

You can be party-boy-happy but still end up with the life threatening irrationality…

Even now, a couple of hours after writing the below, I can see the irrationality of it…

The trouble is, when you’re caught up in that whirlwind, that is what it is like…

It’s pretty horrendous, the world closes in on you, everything snowballs and your consumed, that little voice you possess, that voice of rational thinking is snuffed out… it no longer matters, everything screams at you that there is a wrongness afoot… the descending paranoia is f***** up…

It doesn’t even have to be an issue of late, it can be any problem or issue that you latch on to, that becomes everything, even when it can really be nothing, you’re in for the ride with that chosen problem riding shotgun…

Yey… it’s always a fun day… at least I am able to chill somewhat tonight and hide away from the world…

Big sigh… very big sigh…

How can I be fine all morning and into the early afternoon, generally happy, no issues (well apart from the existing ones – already discussed) but there is no new issues that occur, I’m working away… content almost… trying to forget my troubles…

I go for lunch and my mood just snowballs…

Nothing caused it, no triggers… just a general deflating which ends up with my feeling extremely pissed off and flat… it’s really gutting because I was fine… after everything of late, today was the first day where I was on the up… and now I’ve ended up here…

I want to scream to the world, “just F*** Off and leave me alone for once…”

This is when I need to be my most careful, where I’ll end up doing something stupid that I regret… it’s easier said than done though…

Now I’m chewing and winding myself up further doing the whole catastrophic thinking…

I know the problems of late are my own doing, my own fault. Friends just cannot wait to be rid of me as evidenced by a supposed “good friend” that couldn’t wait to drop me…

I know I can be difficult at times…

Why would anyone ever want to put up with the shit that I bring with my life… especially now…

Were we ever really friends or was it just a situation of convenience… used until I am no longer needed…

How can it not be? The moment I was no longer needed the promises were broken… no longer even a consideration… was it all just bullshit?!

I should be able to tell myself that this is all irrational. It’s kicking in now because I am getting tired, it’s been another long week and my defences are starting to be breached but it ultimately doesn’t matter…

It all comes back to my failings…

The irrationality wins out…

And I just suffer for it…

I’ve been trying to gather myself, regroup and regain some semblance of control but it’s not really happening at the minute.

I cannot even really pin down my mood state, I’m just all over at the minute so it is not fitting into one category, I do know though that irrationality is really playing with me…

Behind the scenes, the overall mood state is Hyper but I am in a whirlwind of mixed thoughts and emotions…

One minute I am happy, the next sad, the next frustrated, the next helpless and alone…

It really feels like a mixed state but that is mainly down to the outside interferences.

The shock of my friend passing is starting to wain now but that is the only let up in this situation, it is just absolutely heart breaking to know that he was in that place in his life to do something like what he did…

One of the things that is f***** up about deaths in your life is that it always seems like the time that you reconnect with people that you have not spoken to in some time… it shouldn’t have to be down to a situation like this that we reconnect but in a twisted way it’s good that we are back in touch… I’ve missed my bruthas.

I spoke about another situaiton last time, a situation what I walked away from… from a “friendship” that was making me ill. It doesn’t matter that I walked away, I still think about the situation every single day and I still regret how it turned out every single day… it crushes me because it doesn’t matter what I do… it’s on my mind every single day… tearing me apart… every single day… I just miss them so much it hurts but there is nothing that I can do… it’s really f****** with me. Whatever I do…  I am helpless against it…

So what can I do about the above situations? Absolutely jack, diddly, squat… I’ve just got to ride it out and it really does drain me doing this… it’s so much hard work having to deal with it 24/7… I just need to try and keep my head down and get on with it…

At least I’ve been able to get back to the gym lately, I’ve done three hard sessions in three days… it’s a  way to release some pent up anger/energy… whatever… once it’s done though I’m back to square one…

Chew, chew, chew…

I just hate living ike this… I’ve got that feeling of just wanting to disappear again…

I am sorry to be writing the same crap as before but these are just situations that I cannot escape from and I needed to release…

This week was and is nothing short of a rollercoaster.

I still haven’t been able to settle down and regain some semblance of control… I’ve just been in for the ride…

Two really big incidents this week thrown me and I am still feeling the impact of them now, to be honest, I always will feel the impact… they have felt and are that significant to me…

I lost a friendship this week that means the world to me, a friendship that I know has gone for good. A lot of it was out of my hands, I couldn’t control the situation and the other person wasn’t interested in keeping it going anyway which was heartbreaking… I got told one thing and the total opposite happened… again and again, over and over… I was treat like a mug… this led to a snowballing of irrational thought… I couldn’t keep on going like it was, it was making me ill… with the other person showing no interest in changing their response I had to step away before it pushed me over the edge… I miss them so much already… it’s painful… it was the last thing I wanted to do but what was I meant to do!??!?!?!??????????

And the other incident is losing another friendship but in a totally different way – rest in peace, brother – it’s too painful to go into detail at the minute but what happened was truly heart wrenching… life wasn’t supposed to turn out this way…

But behind these two incidents there has also been the mood state… hyper… at times I’ve felt giddy with excitement over the most trivial task… at times I’ve felt like I’m going to rip peoples heads off when they have wound me up… the desire to lash out has been through the roof… it’s just so much hard work, I hate it… my sleep is all over the place at the minute too which isn’t helping the situation one bit…

I hadn’t planned to write but I needed to get some things off my chest… it hasn’t really helped, I’m just too chewed at the minute…  oh well, I just need to get through this day…

My friend… my brutha… love you, Rey…

You helped me more than you will ever know, you helped me become who I am today… you were there for me through some of my most darkest times…

To say thank you just isn’t enough… these words just do not seem enough but…

I’ll miss you…

You were an inspiration and the world is a darker place without you here.

.SoI. forever…

I hope you have peace now my friend and can rest easy…

That’s the best way to sum up my last two days…

I cannot even begin to describe my mood…

I’m hyper but all over the shop, million miles an hour thoughts, irrationality… anger one minute, happiness another, deflated and defeated the next…

It’s a crazy whirlwind that never lets up, it’s that 24/7 switched on I explained in an earlier post.

Without the meds, I’ve experienced a 10/10 hyper, with the meds I feel at 7.5/10 at the minute… it’s hard to deal with… but at least it’s not the HEYOO…

Thursday afternoon, 30/3, I had a crazy snowballing of catastrophic-thinking which ended up as an anxiety attack, the raw emotion broke loose and I couldn’t think of anything else but getting home, I was lucky enough to be let off an hour early from work and stumbled home in a stupor. I spent the night lost in a world of thoughts… thoughts that chewed me up and placed me on a peak’s plateau… a plateau overlooking a world consumed by my irrational thought. Trying to descend that mountain was tough but it was the only way I was going to sleep, I had to bring myself down… slow myself down…

I think I’m going to study calming breathing techniques…

I didn’t really refresh with any sleep I got, I woke in a zombie state…

It’s a strange difference though, on the hyper, to the Crash and the trenches… if anything there is still the emotion but it’s raw passion now and not the world ending sadness that leaks from your eyes… it no way lasts as long but strangely it’s worse because your brain is already turned up to gear 1000 and you can feel it more in that instance…

I managed to get through today okay though… okay as in keeping my head down, just focusing everything on doing my job and letting the rest of the world pass around me… I had to try shut it out… Watch that clock until I can retreat from the world and get home… and that’s nothing against the people I work with, far from it as I’ve wrote before, they’re all amazing people but when I am like this I just need to focus on myself and getting through the day… doing what I find works… in a way… it’s not ideal but it is what it is as the minute unfortunately…

At least for a couple of days now I am in control and can try and have a semblance of an enjoyable weekend.

Hmm…

Saturday will be spent in recharging… I’ve got a nice Sunday planned so hopefully I can get to there with no issues…

Yes… well, no… well, kinda…

My moods switched… yey…

Straight to hyper… noo…

One step forward, one step backwards…

It’s such an extreme shift of mood, thoughts and feelings that it takes you a while to adapt, you go from trench warfare to having to remember to always take a step back before you do anything… take a step back and think first… is this you?!

It’s hard work…

The hyper this time kinda crept up on me…

I’ll go back first to the CMHT appointment though… rewind…

It went okay, as I suffered what is safe to say a few difficult days lately we agreed to up the medication to 450mg…

300mg is seen as the ideal limit and 60% of people react well to this… we came to the conclusion that I am one of the 40% so we’re still experimenting looking for the ideal dose. It can go up to 850mg.

But the big thing I took away from the appointment is this…

We spoke a fair bit about my thoughts on suicide and death…

When I am in the trenches and having the suicidal thoughts, is it the act of committing suicide that I am thinking about or is it death? And what is the reason for this…

It made me realise that my thoughts are more of death and a means to ending the suffering of what I go through when in the extreme… and I see suicide as a logical way to come to that “goal.”

When I think like this, I then tear myself apart further because I am thinking this way… I see it as weak and a poor reflection on myself…

Dr. S. kinda drilled it in to me that this is only a natural thought caused by the situation that I am in, it’s common and a part of suffering from Bipolar unfortunately.

That people think this way because when it gets to it’s worst, it is hell and you honestly can not see past the next hour rather than having to go through a number of days like this until the mood shifts…  it’s a way to release you from it all…

The doc explained that there is nothing wrong in feeling this way, as long as I don’t act on it then fantasize away if it helps…

One thing that shocked me whilst having this discussion, she explained that rape victims can often fantasize about killing their attacker and that it can branch out to thoughts of killing other people when they infringe on their space. That these thoughts, as long as not acted on are okay if it helps the person release the pent up feelings…

It was a bit of an eye opener as it was something that I guess I had never really considered, I always slated myself for having the thoughts… I guess whatever helps…

But anyway, in the meeting I acknowledge that my mood is shifting away from the crash, that I am no longer just thinking about survivng the day, that I am now able to start plan for the days and weeks ahead again… that I start to enjoy life again…

And that comes to the hyper creeping up…

I thought I may be shifting because the eyes… always the eyes and the caffeine feeling but I was always thinking that it may also be just “yey” that I was coming out of the crash…

Now as a short aside, I am very nocturnal, I could easily stay awake all night no problem but since I started taking my medication, I cannot remember the last time I was able to make it past 23:00… the Friday I forced myself to bed at 01:00 because I knew that it had been a long, tough week and I needed the rest… I woke up a few times but thought nothing of it…

Saturday – yeah, nice chilled day… apart from spending four hours sorting out random crap in the house, that came from nowhere… I enjoy the day, go to sleep again at around 01:00-02:00…

The moment that confirmed the hyper… I woke up at 04:00 going “yey” I’ve slept, now what can I do, I don’t want to be in bed I want to be up and busy… I actually laughed to myself as I knew straight away where it had come from…

And that brings me to today, Monday was okay but…

I’ve also felt the odd moments of the irrational anger build up… I find myself chewing on something… and doing what the doctor called “catastrophic thinking,” once she explained it to me I acknowledge that I probably do this the most out of all the bad habits…

And f*** me, I’ve found myself doing it lately, building the anger up over meaningless issues but if, in that moment, you put the person in front of me that had caused the angst then I would have gladly took them apart… whether verbally of physically, it’s what it can do to you…

Remember that take a step back… breathe and think… well it doesn’t always happen like that… especially when the mood first shifts…

I need to remind myself… to remember… THINK!

Routine, please…

As I’ve said before, a lot of situations at the minute are learning experiences, especially when I am taking note of my mood influences so closely…

Last week was hell, I was helpless against certain situations… I really was in the trenches so I had to have a quiet weekend and bunker down which helped a load.

Monday, whilst a positive-thinking thought, I was hoping that I was starting to come out of the other side of the Crash… I didn’t sleep well Sunday night, I took my medication late and it really impacted my sleep so I woke up really groggy Monday but I got through the morning fine with no real issues…

Aside – it’s been a while since we’ve had tears, situations have still felt really difficult but I was able to hold off the emotion which was a sign of things improving…

But as the afternoon started, ugh, sickness… pass the parcel with a sickness bug, my turn… and it took everything to not be sick at work, fire in my throat… ugh… I got home and had a nice night of fountain action, yes delightful I know… I spent the night not keeping anything down, wretching away and sleep was impossible…

Tuesday was spent much of the same, I had to call in sick from work and proceeded to have a hell of a day, couldn’t even keep water down, couldn’t sleep… I was KO’ed…

Now for the analysis… this kicked my ass, run me down, left me exhausted…

It left my defences open…

Tuesday night was difficult, whilst no fountain action for a couple of hours, I had consumed nothing but water which was the only sustenance staying down, I found it hard to sleep with irrational fear and thoughts during the day and Wednesday…

Well Wednesday, today, has felt like a day in the trenches… the only thing that has happened to set me up for this ride down is the sickness, the run down, tiredness…

I’m surprised by how much it has opened me up and exposed me to thoughts of recent anguish… the thoughts of last week that had started to vanish over the weekend are back…

It’s crazy how much getting run down has influenced my mood… though I should know this by now… it was a nice reminder… yeah…

I was petrified of calling in sick Tuesday, irrational fear… it chewed me up all day… other situations of stress of late came back to the fore… and today the anxiety is crazy, I’ve had the whirlwind start up, this mixed with still feeling run down from the illness has kicked my ass and led me to a situation that I didn’t expect to face… a situation of trench warfare… I took a half day holiday in the hope to get myself sorted and re-energised… to get myself through this fight…

Appointment tomorrow, not sure what I think of that…

Last appointment on the Crash kicked my ass… that’s also an influence on taking half day today, I need to get myself feeling better, I need to get rid of the run down feeling and I need to set up some defences for tomorrow…

It’s going to be a fun four weeks to recap…