Last night was truly awful… and so far today… too…

Even once the medication started to kick in last night, I hardly slept.

I couldn’t shut down, my thoughts were racing and I proceeded to tear myself apart…

I didn’t do anything of consequence, I took the meds when I got in and just laid on the sofa wrapped up in my own thinkymeat… no tele or laptop, couldn’t focus enough, I just stared at the roof… didn’t even have background noise on…

Running through every scenario and going over everything that was said to me… and has been said to me…

One thought would enter my head and before it was finished another one would come and push it out of the way and take over…

Just a constant battering ram…

Today, I’m just empty, flat and dejected… that hollow feeling is there and that sick with worry feeling too… I’ve not done anything wrong of late and yet I feel like at any moment shit is going to hit the fan and it’s all going to be my fault…

So yeah… safe to say that today, I’m a bit of a down and out…

I’ve got to try and make it through the day at work, with not sleeping I just came into work early, nice two hours early. Handy that I needed to make some hours up so there was a silver lining… I think I’m grasping there for any positive… it’s hard to focus but I’ve just got to get my head down and get on with it…

And try and put my thinkymeat back together again…

I should know it’s never upwards whilst on a crash…

I’ve just had my head battered by some news and it was a nice reminder of that worthless feeling…

I can’t really get a coherent thought going, my heads spinning and my emotions are shot…

I’ve got back from work – I had to leave early – and the first thing I did was take the meds in hope that they slow me down and I can fall asleep real soon…

It’s been a long time since I’ve felt like this…

I’m in trouble here…

I haven’t done an update for a little bit now, well a week but I am  just trying to keep myself busy and not wrapped up in my own thinkymeat… also I haven’t really felt the need to post and get shit off my chest so that must be good news after the last post…

Since the last post the situation has been on the up, fortunately… good news indeed… well when I say on the up… I’m not talking about singing and dancing but the Crash hasn’t been as severe as it can be… it is manageable at the minute…

I also had a CMHT appointment which went well and helped pick me up mood wise…  it’s always good to talk in depth about everything going on with someone who understands…

Dr. S. knows the crack now. It was mainly discussing and going over my thoughts and feelings on the new medication and if it is assisting me or not. It is safe to say that it is definitely helping compared to the instant release Quetiapine. Dr. S. also confirmed that the majority of people say that the XL slow release is more beneficial to them but we have to start on the instant release due to tablet costing… that’s a bit of a FU – the fact that they know the XL works better but you don’t get it until you’ve explored all the avenues of the instant release.

Nothing like extending your suffering…

That meeting was on the Thursday, the Friday was the usual suffering, at war in my head after a long assed week but I got through it all, no issues really, apart from wanting to tear a couple of peoples heads off…

Apart from being sick at the weekend – some stupid bug – it went well. The gym went out of the window with the illness but I think I kinda needed a reset and break anyway so having the two days off recharged me for this coming week.

Monday = Monday and meh… Tuesday today, work = okay… gym = tonight… unwind and chill after… nearly half way through the week after that, I’ll take that…

The weekend ahead… the annual beer festival… should be fun on the meds… I think I may need wishing luck…

So all in all, not perfect but I’ll take where I am at currently considering where I could be…

I’ve felt my mood deteriorate since Monday…

I prayed that it was just a difficult start to the week and nothing more… the usual tired/ratty on a Monday…

But alas… I’m f****** crashing…

I just don’t need this right now…

It’s funny in a way, you know where the irregular thought patterns are coming from but it still doesn’t matter… you tell yourself that you are only thinking this way because you are crashing but the irrational still takes over…

It’s instant negativity… you become deflated and any positive thinking that may have occurred as little ago as last week is consumed by the process… gone… forgotten…

Working hard, going to the gym, improving your quality of life compared to the previous few months… the gym addiction vanishes… it’s instantly what is the point in all the hard work?

You’re never going to find that someone special… that was the recent thought… I was watching a show and someone proposed… the first thought that popped into the head whilst watching this was that it will never be you, who would want to get close to you when you are like this…

There was no debating this point, there was no thought process that lead me to this conclusion, it was just the first instant thought that popped into my head and it went downhill from there… you start picking yourself apart finding every reason why you are not good enough… for anyone… you are 100% convinced that what you are thinking about is right…

It was the first time for a while that the suicidal thoughts had crept up on me again…

Compare this to last week and some positive thinking as said above… you’re happy, alive, making progress and you can do this… the difference is shocking…

Even the fact that you know this and aware why you are thinking this way… doesn’t matter…

What really bothered me today was that I had a really bad, vivid dream about my friend and the situation of the last few months… it impacted me more than it should for a dream and the day just started off in the trenches… I can’t believe how much it f***** me up, it just goes to show how much the situation is STILL playing on my mind…

Exhausting…

Also I had the medical assessment on Tuesday, still awaiting the results, apparently there is not much change from last time though there are some points to worry about… I’ll find the full details hopefully tomorrow… trying not to stress about it… yeah like that will happen…

I’ve explained all of the above before but I just needed to vent… to try anything to assist in improving the mood…

Just… Meh…

God… I hate Fridays…

Just a quick update…

More than anything at the minute, I’m just trying to keep quiet, keep my head down, get on with my life and avoid situations that are going to mess with me…

Easier said than done sometimes but to be honest, the last week or so hasn’t gone too bad.

I’m not at war with myself, not in the trenches and not overly hyper either.

It’s probably the most stable I’ve been in a long while so I’ll take that…

The broken record is still there, my friend is still my first and last thought of each and every day but it’s not punishing me as much as it has done lately… don’t get me wrong, if I let it, it would kick my ass but I am able to turn my mind away from the issues at the minute…

Sleep is slowly getting worse though – not sure if it is because I am getting more used to the meds or… – so I am having to really be careful with my night times… if I have a bad night sleep I take the meds a bit earlier in hope that I can fall asleep earlier the next day, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t but I’ve not encountered the world ending exhaustion I can do with certain mood states…

I’ve been able to keep up at the gym too so this is massively helping…

I have a medical assessment on the 6^th June to see how the meds are effecting the body again and CMHT appointment on the 8^th so it’s all go next week…

If this keeps up I’ll be happy…

Hopefully that is not a curse…

We’re definitely in a F*** YOU FRIDAY…

It’s the end of the week and the usual is happening…

Tired, rundown, exposed…

Upset…

It’s so hard to live with myself at the minute… I can understand why my friend would hate me…

I just want to see them to explain…

Why can’t I just let go and move on… it’s the impossible task though…

Especially when you’re hating yourself and blaming yourself. You feel like a worthless piece of shit…

And it seems perfectly logical as to why you would get dropped by those meant to be closet to you…

I just don’t know what I am meant to do to fix this situation, it’s on my mind constantly, day and night, f****** me up, no let up… draining me…

I’m just sorry…

So maybe I spoke too soon last time about afternoons improving…

Today was a pain in the ass day with the transport problems across the city, after a three hour journey in to work which left me frustrated, I ended up chewing a little on the morning… I kinda knew the day would go down hill from there…

This afternoon was spent at war with myself, chewing away having the whirlwind start up, it wasn’t pretty…

When it came to home time, I was wrapped up in the battle getting more and more frustrated with everything going on… what got me though was that it was irrational levels of frustration that was going on… I was a walking HULKSMASH… how I managed to keep cool on the way home is beyond me…

I got home and I’ve just had to bunker down, turn off from the world… my heads spinning and I can’t really focus on anything, I’m just praying that I can fall asleep early tonight and put this day behind me…

It’s just ARGH… especially at the levels I am at, currently… a situation that was out of my hands got me worked up which then led to me chewing on situations of late that have bothered me… it shouldn’t snowball from one to the other… I should be getting better at controlling it but alas, not yet…

How am I?

Well… I am putting on a bit of a charade at the moment as best as I can, pretending all is okay…

I am just trying to keep my head down and get on with life… it’s all that I can really do…

Inside I am still a touch broken (understatement)… constantly filled with sadness and remorse. I keep having to wrack my brain because I constantly have the sick with worry feeling, like I’ve done something wrong but I cannot remember what… and it feels like I am just waiting for it all to come crashing down around me.

It’s a pretty horrendous feeling…

Still the same usual issues… I miss my friend so much it hurts… it’s such a massive loss from my life…

At least I am not in the trenches at the moment so there is that let up, the medication must be doing me some good… I don’t want to imagine what it would be like without the meds…

It just leaves me a tad sedated for most of the day. There is none of the epic morning grogg of the one-hit-punch of the previous Quetiapine but the feeling is still there with me, only more managable now.  I am no longer exposed on the afternoons as much as I was on the previous tablets, whilst I can still chew on a problem come the afternoon, I can soon turn my mind away from it where as before this was impossible to do.

Don’t get me wrong, it still lingers in the background, ready to pounce if it can but the way it is at the minute, it’s an improvement compared to before. I just find that when I have a moment downtime, when I have a second spare with nothing to do, that is when it becomes really difficult…

I’ll take what I can get I guess…

I’ve had a good run but it always comes to an end…

So…

I think the problem is that I sometimes delude myself – that might be too strong a word but it’s apt – I delude myself by thinking that with the medication and help of late then surely the worst is now behind me…

Unfortunately, that’s not true… today is a bad day and having a day like I am today…. it utterly kicks my ass as I hadn’t set any defences…

I knew from the second that I woke up that it was going to be a difficult day… I felt that a delightful mood switch had happened… flat, sorrowful and dejected… it’s a nice feeling to wake up to…

My first thought of the day was, “It’s all my fault,” and I could have just burst in to tears…

What is your fault? You may ask…

Well the fact that I pushed my friend away from me, someone who is the last person I wanted to lose, pushed them away with no hope of salvation – even if it’s not technically true it’s still there… yep… it’s still this that is destroying me… see how it can get tiring…

This and…

Well… everything. Everything of late that has gone wrong in my life – whether it be my fault or not – now becomes my fault… it doesn’t matter what people say to me to try and convince me otherwise…. I know it’s all my fault and you’re only saying what you are saying to try and make me feel better.

Every ounce of my being convinces me that this is the way that it is and this is correct…

And it destroys me… it just tears me apart and leaves me emotionally on edge… leaves me vulnerable… f**** me up…

I am convinced that I am just not good enough… obviously… for anyone or anything… plagued by self doubt on an enormous level… and this is why I now find myself contending with the situations that I am… the rejection, the pain of it… it’s so raw and at the forefront of my thoughts… F****** STILL…

Since I woke up this morning I’ve already lost count of the amount of times I’ve welled up… already the exhaustion from this is set in after the emotion rollercoaster and I’m just going to have to contend with how it is…

It’s the first time I’ve struggled on the new medication too so it does also knock your confidence when you realise the type of lows you can still get whilst on the slow release.

All I can really do is bunker down and try and get through the day now… it’s just especially difficult because the situation of late hasn’t been all too bad so it just feels like a tonne of bricks this morning…

I feel particually… disgusted, strong word but true… disgusted at having to post the above…

When you go from a hyper to a crash mood set… you just call yourself pathetic… worthless… look at yourself, you can’t even keep yourself happy…

You shout at yourself that this is all irrational thinking but it doesn’t ultimately matter… the irrational wins out…

And you’re stuck with it…