I am maybe a day behind on the diagnosis , I’ve felt it there in the background but tried to ignore it… however, that is impossible as it starts to ramp up… my mood state is shifting to mania…

 

Let’s rewind a bit first…

 

I’ve had a normal mood state for around a month now and I’ve cherished it… for the first time in over a year I had an extended period where I can safely say I was normal… NORMAL… I had forgot what it was like…

 

Though I do hate saying “normal,” so I’ll go with a “no-mood” state….

 

I was able to find enjoyment again in reading, in watching shows, in interacting with friends, in just being my self really. It was nice to not have any anxiety, no paranoia, no irritability, no racing thoughts, no sleep issues… I could go on and on but the benefits of a no mood state are immense…

 

I had my usual hospital appointment with Dr. S. and it was almost a celebration of being stable, I was able to relay what it is like for me to be in that stable state and we agreed to not rock the boat with the meds and try and see how long the stability could last…

 

Unfortunately it lasted for another week after the appointment then the snowball started to roll down the mountain…

 

The caffeine eyes, the body tired from sleepless nights and the irritability is canny massive at the minute… not telling people to go fuck themselves today is a huge accomplishment…

 

Every little thing that normally wouldn’t bother me has…

 

It is ridiculous at what can wind you up… I guess the one saving grace is that you recognise why you are getting wound up, that it is not you and that you just need to take a breath and step back… that is the key as always, breath before any reaction…

 

So now I’m in the height of a rising mania state trying to keep it under control… it’s not easy…

 

Especially now that the sleeplessness is kicking in.

 

I’ve gone from a needed 9-11 hours of sleep a night to 4-6 hours of sleep and the more the mania kicks in the less sleep I will have… troubling…

 

I’m away this weekend for our work Christmas party in Benidorm too, sleep with not be happening, I am not going to be able to take the medication the way the weekend is set up and that is a massive concern with the rising mania… Sunday / Monday is also going to be such a battle…

 

Oh well… at least once the mania kicks in fully I won’t really give a fuck anymore and just be enjoying the ride… hopefully…