It’s been a while since a proper update…

 

I honestly think it is the medication, it kinda shuts me down… it kinda shuts down a lot of things to be honest…

 

I’ve read of people feeling like a one emotion zombie/robot on it and whilst I am not at that level, I can understand and see where they are coming from.

 

It takes a lot to get the emotions peaked… I can still laugh but when I laugh it soon ends… I can still get pissed off or upset but when it happens it soon ends…

 

I am now on 500mg of Quetiapine XL and since I was upgraded to this level I haven’t had a major emotional swing.

 

Over the last week I have felt myself come out of a depressive episode but even then, it wasn’t World War 3 trench action. It was easier to deal with than some of the episodes I have wrote about.

 

Yeah I had some major issues over the last month or so but they were more due to outside circumstances than my overall Bipolar. It was more my moods were a consequence of actions rather than my moods causing the actions.

 

It still fucked me up and had an impact on my life but I was able to deal with it… just about…

 

If it had happened last year when I wasn’t receiving help then I don’t think I would still be here.

 

Is this an improvement for me?

 

Yes and no… mostly yes though.

 

Whilst I miss my usual quick witted charming self… I certainly don’t miss the adverse mood shifts… the tears or rages… the lack of sleep or motivation…

 

It’s a case of do the benefits outweigh the side effects… and yes, they do…

 

I guess it is just taking the good with the bad…

 

One thing my doc asks me in every session is do I still see value in taking the medication and when comparing myself to last year, the answer is always yes.

 

As an example – I’ve just came back from a situation that I would have normally felt really difficult.

 

It was one of my best mates Stag-Do’s, we’d arranged a 3 night stay in a massive country house with a group of around 20 of us… to be honest I was really nervous going into it, I wasn’t sure how I would deal with it.

 

Big groups, especially big groups where I don’t know everyone, these are difficult… and yes, whilst I found the first night quite difficult, it got better as the weekend went on.

 

I just had to really control myself, if I started to get worked up then I needed to take a little chill, fortunately the house was that big that it allowed me to do this.

 

If someone pissed me off I just stepped away or tried to turn off to it…

 

It went surprisingly well and I had a good time.

 

By the final night, there was only 5 of us left and I was much more comfortable in the group. I felt like myself where as normally, even in the reduced group I would still stay quiet…ish…

 

If this was last year? I think I would have had to hide away for most of it…

 

So I’ll take that…

 

I may be feeling positive at the moment as I’ve come out of the crash or it may be a consequence of the medication and life of late… who knows…

 

But I’ll take where I am at now…