I’ve felt my mood deteriorate since Monday…

 

I prayed that it was just a difficult start to the week and nothing more… the usual tired/ratty on a Monday…

 

But alas… I’m f****** crashing…

 

I just don’t need this right now…

 

It’s funny in a way, you know where the irregular thought patterns are coming from but it still doesn’t matter… you tell yourself that you are only thinking this way because you are crashing but the irrational still takes over…

 

It’s instant negativity… you become deflated and any positive thinking that may have occurred as little ago as last week is consumed by the process… gone… forgotten…

 

Working hard, going to the gym, improving your quality of life compared to the previous few months… the gym addiction vanishes… it’s instantly what is the point in all the hard work?

 

You’re never going to find that someone special… that was the recent thought… I was watching a show and someone proposed… the first thought that popped into the head whilst watching this was that it will never be you, who would want to get close to you when you are like this…

 

There was no debating this point, there was no thought process that lead me to this conclusion, it was just the first instant thought that popped into my head and it went downhill from there… you start picking yourself apart finding every reason why you are not good enough… for anyone… you are 100% convinced that what you are thinking about is right…

 

It was the first time for a while that the suicidal thoughts had crept up on me again…

 

Compare this to last week and some positive thinking as said above… you’re happy, alive, making progress and you can do this… the difference is shocking…

 

Even the fact that you know this and aware why you are thinking this way… doesn’t matter…

 

What really bothered me today was that I had a really bad, vivid dream about my friend and the situation of the last few months… it impacted me more than it should for a dream and the day just started off in the trenches… I can’t believe how much it f***** me up, it just goes to show how much the situation is STILL playing on my mind…

 

Exhausting…

 

Also I had the medical assessment on Tuesday, still awaiting the results, apparently there is not much change from last time though there are some points to worry about… I’ll find the full details hopefully tomorrow… trying not to stress about it… yeah like that will happen…

 

I’ve explained all of the above before but I just needed to vent… to try anything to assist in improving the mood…

 

Just… Meh…