Just give me some let up… surely it’s not too much to ask…

I’ve had the text window open for a while now debating which way to take this post and everything has pointed to one thing… RANT… let loose… what the f*** does it matter…

Let the eyes bleed from the language…

That’s not really going to get me anywhere though…

Why do I want to rant?

Well…

I am just sick to  death of chewing over the same s*** lately…

It’s absolutely destroying me at the minute… every moment  of downtime and quiet… the chew seizes it’s chance to launch a fresh seige against my wellbeing… and we’re not talking of a seige of the ages… there is no Helms Deep here… no earth shattering defences to lay to waste this foul seige and win the day out for me… we’re talking more of the capitulation of Japan after the nukes were dropped in WW2… seconds and it’s done… I am defeated… again… and it’s round what-the-f***-number-is-it-now… chew-time… ding, ding…

Er, right, yeah, no rant…

It’s just really taking it’s toll on me, wearing me down, it’s the first and last thought of each day… it’s just one long feeling of regret… 24/7 battle but yeah…

Moving on…

I had an appointment today with Dr. S. and we talked over the last six weeks, of what I see as a rejection, of my friends passing, of the ability to get back into the gym and the fact that if it wasn’t for outside circumstances controlling my mood, it wouldn’t have been too bad of a month compared to some of late… though the one kicker lately is that as the day rolls on, as I get more tired and the meds start to wear off, s*** starts to kick off in the thinkymeat and the day descends into a battle, the last couple of hours at work lately have been really difficult…

So we are changing the meds slightly, I am keeping the same dose of 450mg of Quetiapine but now I am on Quetiapine XL, it is a slow release dose which will last through the day. Rather than on the current tablet, where I get an ass kicking in one shot and it wears off during the day, the XL will control the release so that it should last me through the day… or that is the plan…

So after the appointment, I got to work and it was rinse and repeat… the day goes fine until around 15:00 then it starts to go downhill, I am tired, defences lowered… I get worked up and a lil upset – surprise sur-f******-prise… same subject I am chewing on…

That left me with a joyous battle for the last hour, quick escape at finish time and I get home and debate this post… as evidenced, I guess I needed to get some things off my chest… has it helped? Yes because I have had this to keep me occupied… no because I know that it still won’t stop me chewing… it’s just going to live with me for a long time and I am going to have to get used to the kicking…

Yey… and that is not negative thinking, I wish it was, it just is what it is… it’s Bipolar…