Big sigh… very big sigh…

 

How can I be fine all morning and into the early afternoon, generally happy, no issues (well apart from the existing ones – already discussed) but there is no new issues that occur, I’m working away… content almost… trying to forget my troubles…

 

I go for lunch and my mood just snowballs…

 

Nothing caused it, no triggers… just a general deflating which ends up with my feeling extremely pissed off and flat… it’s really gutting because I was fine… after everything of late, today was the first day where I was on the up… and now I’ve ended up here…

 

I want to scream to the world, “just F*** Off and leave me alone for once…”

 

This is when I need to be my most careful, where I’ll end up doing something stupid that I regret… it’s easier said than done though…

 

Now I’m chewing and winding myself up further doing the whole catastrophic thinking…

 

I know the problems of late are my own doing, my own fault. Friends just cannot wait to be rid of me as evidenced by a supposed “good friend” that couldn’t wait to drop me…

 

I know I can be difficult at times…

 

Why would anyone ever want to put up with the shit that I bring with my life… especially now…

 

Were we ever really friends or was it just a situation of convenience… used until I am no longer needed…

 

How can it not be? The moment I was no longer needed the promises were broken… no longer even a consideration… was it all just bullshit?!

 

I should be able to tell myself that this is all irrational. It’s kicking in now because I am getting tired, it’s been another long week and my defences are starting to be breached but it ultimately doesn’t matter…

 

It all comes back to my failings…

 

The irrationality wins out…

 

And I just suffer for it…