I’ve been trying to gather myself, regroup and regain some semblance of control but it’s not really happening at the minute.

 

I cannot even really pin down my mood state, I’m just all over at the minute so it is not fitting into one category, I do know though that irrationality is really playing with me…

 

Behind the scenes, the overall mood state is Hyper but I am in a whirlwind of mixed thoughts and emotions…

 

One minute I am happy, the next sad, the next frustrated, the next helpless and alone…

 

It really feels like a mixed state but that is mainly down to the outside interferences.

 

The shock of my friend passing is starting to wain now but that is the only let up in this situation, it is just absolutely heart breaking to know that he was in that place in his life to do something like what he did…

 

One of the things that is f***** up about deaths in your life is that it always seems like the time that you reconnect with people that you have not spoken to in some time… it shouldn’t have to be down to a situation like this that we reconnect but in a twisted way it’s good that we are back in touch… I’ve missed my bruthas.

 

I spoke about another situaiton last time, a situation what I walked away from… from a “friendship” that was making me ill. It doesn’t matter that I walked away, I still think about the situation every single day and I still regret how it turned out every single day… it crushes me because it doesn’t matter what I do… it’s on my mind every single day… tearing me apart… every single day… I just miss them so much it hurts but there is nothing that I can do… it’s really f****** with me. Whatever I do…  I am helpless against it…

 

So what can I do about the above situations? Absolutely jack, diddly, squat… I’ve just got to ride it out and it really does drain me doing this… it’s so much hard work having to deal with it 24/7… I just need to try and keep my head down and get on with it…

 

At least I’ve been able to get back to the gym lately, I’ve done three hard sessions in three days… it’s a  way to release some pent up anger/energy… whatever… once it’s done though I’m back to square one…

 

Chew, chew, chew…

 

I just hate living ike this… I’ve got that feeling of just wanting to disappear again…

 

I am sorry to be writing the same crap as before but these are just situations that I cannot escape from and I needed to release…