This week was and is nothing short of a rollercoaster.

I still haven’t been able to settle down and regain some semblance of control… I’ve just been in for the ride…

Two really big incidents this week thrown me and I am still feeling the impact of them now, to be honest, I always will feel the impact… they have felt and are that significant to me…

I lost a friendship this week that means the world to me, a friendship that I know has gone for good. A lot of it was out of my hands, I couldn’t control the situation and the other person wasn’t interested in keeping it going anyway which was heartbreaking… I got told one thing and the total opposite happened… again and again, over and over… I was treat like a mug… this led to a snowballing of irrational thought… I couldn’t keep on going like it was, it was making me ill… with the other person showing no interest in changing their response I had to step away before it pushed me over the edge… I miss them so much already… it’s painful… it was the last thing I wanted to do but what was I meant to do!??!?!?!??????????

And the other incident is losing another friendship but in a totally different way – rest in peace, brother – it’s too painful to go into detail at the minute but what happened was truly heart wrenching… life wasn’t supposed to turn out this way…

But behind these two incidents there has also been the mood state… hyper… at times I’ve felt giddy with excitement over the most trivial task… at times I’ve felt like I’m going to rip peoples heads off when they have wound me up… the desire to lash out has been through the roof… it’s just so much hard work, I hate it… my sleep is all over the place at the minute too which isn’t helping the situation one bit…

I hadn’t planned to write but I needed to get some things off my chest… it hasn’t really helped, I’m just too chewed at the minute…  oh well, I just need to get through this day…