That’s the best way to sum up my last two days…

I cannot even begin to describe my mood…

I’m hyper but all over the shop, million miles an hour thoughts, irrationality… anger one minute, happiness another, deflated and defeated the next…

It’s a crazy whirlwind that never lets up, it’s that 24/7 switched on I explained in an earlier post.

Without the meds, I’ve experienced a 10/10 hyper, with the meds I feel at 7.5/10 at the minute… it’s hard to deal with… but at least it’s not the HEYOO…

Thursday afternoon, 30/3, I had a crazy snowballing of catastrophic-thinking which ended up as an anxiety attack, the raw emotion broke loose and I couldn’t think of anything else but getting home, I was lucky enough to be let off an hour early from work and stumbled home in a stupor. I spent the night lost in a world of thoughts… thoughts that chewed me up and placed me on a peak’s plateau… a plateau overlooking a world consumed by my irrational thought. Trying to descend that mountain was tough but it was the only way I was going to sleep, I had to bring myself down… slow myself down…

I think I’m going to study calming breathing techniques…

I didn’t really refresh with any sleep I got, I woke in a zombie state…

It’s a strange difference though, on the hyper, to the Crash and the trenches… if anything there is still the emotion but it’s raw passion now and not the world ending sadness that leaks from your eyes… it no way lasts as long but strangely it’s worse because your brain is already turned up to gear 1000 and you can feel it more in that instance…

I managed to get through today okay though… okay as in keeping my head down, just focusing everything on doing my job and letting the rest of the world pass around me… I had to try shut it out… Watch that clock until I can retreat from the world and get home… and that’s nothing against the people I work with, far from it as I’ve wrote before, they’re all amazing people but when I am like this I just need to focus on myself and getting through the day… doing what I find works… in a way… it’s not ideal but it is what it is as the minute unfortunately…

At least for a couple of days now I am in control and can try and have a semblance of an enjoyable weekend.

Hmm…

Saturday will be spent in recharging… I’ve got a nice Sunday planned so hopefully I can get to there with no issues…