Yes… well, no… well, kinda…

My moods switched… yey…

Straight to hyper… noo…

One step forward, one step backwards…

It’s such an extreme shift of mood, thoughts and feelings that it takes you a while to adapt, you go from trench warfare to having to remember to always take a step back before you do anything… take a step back and think first… is this you?!

It’s hard work…

The hyper this time kinda crept up on me…

I’ll go back first to the CMHT appointment though… rewind…

It went okay, as I suffered what is safe to say a few difficult days lately we agreed to up the medication to 450mg…

300mg is seen as the ideal limit and 60% of people react well to this… we came to the conclusion that I am one of the 40% so we’re still experimenting looking for the ideal dose. It can go up to 850mg.

But the big thing I took away from the appointment is this…

We spoke a fair bit about my thoughts on suicide and death…

When I am in the trenches and having the suicidal thoughts, is it the act of committing suicide that I am thinking about or is it death? And what is the reason for this…

It made me realise that my thoughts are more of death and a means to ending the suffering of what I go through when in the extreme… and I see suicide as a logical way to come to that “goal.”

When I think like this, I then tear myself apart further because I am thinking this way… I see it as weak and a poor reflection on myself…

Dr. S. kinda drilled it in to me that this is only a natural thought caused by the situation that I am in, it’s common and a part of suffering from Bipolar unfortunately.

That people think this way because when it gets to it’s worst, it is hell and you honestly can not see past the next hour rather than having to go through a number of days like this until the mood shifts…  it’s a way to release you from it all…

The doc explained that there is nothing wrong in feeling this way, as long as I don’t act on it then fantasize away if it helps…

One thing that shocked me whilst having this discussion, she explained that rape victims can often fantasize about killing their attacker and that it can branch out to thoughts of killing other people when they infringe on their space. That these thoughts, as long as not acted on are okay if it helps the person release the pent up feelings…

It was a bit of an eye opener as it was something that I guess I had never really considered, I always slated myself for having the thoughts… I guess whatever helps…

But anyway, in the meeting I acknowledge that my mood is shifting away from the crash, that I am no longer just thinking about survivng the day, that I am now able to start plan for the days and weeks ahead again… that I start to enjoy life again…

And that comes to the hyper creeping up…

I thought I may be shifting because the eyes… always the eyes and the caffeine feeling but I was always thinking that it may also be just “yey” that I was coming out of the crash…

Now as a short aside, I am very nocturnal, I could easily stay awake all night no problem but since I started taking my medication, I cannot remember the last time I was able to make it past 23:00… the Friday I forced myself to bed at 01:00 because I knew that it had been a long, tough week and I needed the rest… I woke up a few times but thought nothing of it…

Saturday – yeah, nice chilled day… apart from spending four hours sorting out random crap in the house, that came from nowhere… I enjoy the day, go to sleep again at around 01:00-02:00…

The moment that confirmed the hyper… I woke up at 04:00 going “yey” I’ve slept, now what can I do, I don’t want to be in bed I want to be up and busy… I actually laughed to myself as I knew straight away where it had come from…

And that brings me to today, Monday was okay but…

I’ve also felt the odd moments of the irrational anger build up… I find myself chewing on something… and doing what the doctor called “catastrophic thinking,” once she explained it to me I acknowledge that I probably do this the most out of all the bad habits…

And f*** me, I’ve found myself doing it lately, building the anger up over meaningless issues but if, in that moment, you put the person in front of me that had caused the angst then I would have gladly took them apart… whether verbally of physically, it’s what it can do to you…

Remember that take a step back… breathe and think… well it doesn’t always happen like that… especially when the mood first shifts…

I need to remind myself… to remember… THINK!

Routine, please…