Hey, how was your day?

“Sh**!”

Er, care to elaborate?

“Very. Shit!”

Come on, you can do better than that…

“ARGH!”

I keep waiting for it to get better but today was one long slide down… further and deeper into the Abyss…

Mornings are especially difficult at the minute, I need to remind myself what Dr. S. said in that during the night and on a morning, after sleep when you first wake up you have little or no defences set and damn, she was right, I am getting my ass kicked on a morning at the minute…

It doesn’t help when a message exchange leaves you sobbing in the shower, lost and desolate… your eyes leak quicker than the fall of water from the shower… the pain I felt then, I feel sick now just thinking about how I was in that moment, irrational but with no early morning defences and the crash it consumed me… even now I think about it and it breaks me…

Having to pick myself up for work was an almost impossible task but what can I do? I’ve just got to try and get on… the journey in was a blur, lost in the whirlwind… lost in life… just lost…

I got to work and for the first hour I sat and silently cried at my desk, I took myself off to the toilet but it didn’t matter, hidden away or at the desk, for that first hour, tears just had to be shed… it feels f****** horrible having to do that in front of people but again, what can I do? You rip yourself up and beat yourself down, “look at the f****** state of me? what must everyone be thinking of you…” I hate how awkward it must be for them seeing me like that – at work – and having to put up with it, I further beat myself up for that…

I’m just a piece of s*** leper… that’s what I tell myself…

I try to work and get on with the day, the defences come into place and I can at least function though a seconds worth of thought in the wrong direction starts to breach the defences… the trouble is that they’re easily breached at the minute, that feeling of wrongness at work won’t shake, every second I feel like I have to move, try and get comfortable but it all feels so awkward, I HATE having to be on show no matter where I am, pub, restaurant, festival or work, anywhere, I like to be out the way, in a corner – safe spaces – where I can see everything and not have to be in everyones line of sight, now I am in worst case scenario each day and it’s killing me, especially when like this…

I get through the day, just keep my head down, silently fighting a battle no one knows is going on, a battle for survival that you just have to win…

Home time… I find a seat at the back of the metro, alone and just let it all out, hood up, silently sobbing, delightfully at rush hour, always a joyous experience…

I get home, first thing I do is take the meds, start typing to distract… that’s now coming to an end and all I can do is pray that I fall asleep soon… 19:10… my life is so rock and roll at the minute…

I wish I could fall asleep and not wake up until this crash has let up and finished… please…