Now that was a tough one today…

It was the first time going to an appointment whilst on a crash and it kicked my ass…

Having to bring back to the surface the problems of recent times, having to talk about them, explain them and remember them isn’t too fun a time…

Especially having to discuss and relive the suicidal thoughts that creep up now and again…

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And that was as much as I wrote last night before the upgraded medication kicked in and I was seeing double… I fell asleep not much after that, on the sofa, to wake in the middle of the night confused as hell… hello 300mg Quetiapine…

Anyway, back to the appointment…

Three doctors present this time though it was only Dr. S. who spoke, I blocked out the other two and focused on trying to explain the Irrational of late…

It’s hard to talk about the blunt truth inner workings of your mind, especially when it comes to trying to explain in words, emotions that you feel and how you get to those emotions, you’ve really got to delve down into your thinkymeat and it leaves you feeling exposed and everything fresh and on the surface…

You breach the defences you have made and the torrent comes rushing in…

Needs must I guess… you’re in the moment and future you can try and deal with the whirlwind…

It helps that Dr. S. and I are starting to understand each other now – I think – and it helps that I am seeing the same Doctor now each time that I visit…

We spoke about the events of late that have really bothered me… I know I updated not too long ago and it was about those issues mentioned there, that we spoke about but I’ll still go into it here…

The feeling of isolation at work – which I am trying to break – but it is still there, it’s difficult dealing with everything of late and trying to put on a positive front, I have improved loads lately over the last couple of weeks, at work, but it’s tough, now that the withdrawals have passed I hope this will continue on. Why the isolation though?

It’s a tough one to answer and as typing this I don’t really know the answer, I guess I’ll just see what the fingers have to say. There is the feeling that I have pushed people away with how I have dealt with issues lately. I don’t know if it is a sense of isolation or rejection or both… it’s something I need to try and figure out… Also my friend left and that “hole” is very obvious to me, especially on the journies to and from work and lunch time, it hurts now – raw emotion – to think of that loss still coming up to 6 weeks and counting…

My amazing sister, argh man, when talking about this I broke in the appointment, I just want her to be happy and to find herself but with every ounce of my self I know something has happened – that she is not telling us about – that has caused her to feel such anxiety in life, I need to dedicate some time to just be there for her and even without this, it is something I want to do anyway.

Obviously birthday and Valentines season have messed me up, whilst on a Crash you look inwards rather than outwards, I am looking at the past and what I have lost rather than at the future and what I can achieve… it’s day-by-day-get-by until the Crash ends…

It’s funny, we spoke about this in the appointment, only a couple of weeks ago whilst “normal” I was all positive and what I can do, what I want to do and what I am going to do… now it is let’s see out the next few hours, then the next after that and so on… what is tomorrow?

Last week was the first time I was unable to work…

A couple of realisations have dawned on me though it’s still probably my irrational self in control of these thoughts… I guess we’ll see… it’s easy to say one thing… it’s hard to follow through on what you say… this issue has crushed me of late… my biggest fear seems to be coming true… I just don’t know how to deal with it though it doesn’t matter anyway… it’s totally out of my hands… probably the Argh! Confusing? But it is anyway…

We spoke about the withdrawals, the adaption to the medication, we may do a “trial” where I take Quetiapine twice a day rather than at night as I seem to shake off the medication quickly and it impacts on the afternoon more than it should. We spoke about how my self set defences alter throughout the day and with tiredness comes difficulty… it is helping me to understand this disoder more so I appreciate that…

We spoke about my thoughts on suicide… the tough one… how do I explain that the thoughts are present and help as an out in a stupid way but you’ll not act on it? It stumped me for a minute or so but Dr. S. obviously knew the situation and explained that they will always be there with the Bipolar depression and it’s just dealing with it. I was honest and explained about the time I crumbled and googled the easiest way out, the way I tried to explain it…

Take a holiday to Syria, you know that it is Extremely Bad to go there but to see the ruins of Palmyra is what you see as too much to resist. You look into the travel to the point of looking into how to book the holiday… but you don’t… you’ve scratched the itch for a while… and that was how it was with those suicidal thoughts that time…

Plus I shocked the hell out of myself when I realised what i was doing… I think I mentioned that anyway before in a post…

After all that and the plan to meet again in four weeks time and the plan to up the meds… I was ruined, both mentally and physically, it had took it’s toll…

All of the issues of late were present and at the surface, the defences were breached and I was helpless… to go with that I had to face work…

I had a nice journey to work in Storm-stupidname, wet and cold to the bone by the time I got to work, trying to set aside the issues on the surface, it was gameover… I think for the first hour I sat and silently cried at my desk, I tried to set aside everything and function, it took some time but I was able to get there eventually… kinda… I just rushed home at finish, took the upgraded medication and passed out to forget the day…

And that comes to today… half day work has been and gone, bags are packed for a weekend away… feeling a bit flat but I’m sure – I pray – that I’ll soon get in the spirit of it…

Let’s rock… I hope…