I really did hope that I wouldn’t be writing this so soon…

I’ve even attempted another form of self-help to put this off but ultimately I need to turn to writing to offer a further form of salvation or release…

• Aside: Though the other self-help has been fun… adult colouring books… how rock and roll… it just hasn’t been enough…

The last couple of weeks… bliss…

This week… hell…

The main cause of the problems… crashing and withdrawals…

I put everything into fighting it at the start of the week but it has took it’s toll, these last few days I have entered the trenches… The Crash… it exhausted me and finally swamped me…

Added to The Crash, I’ve had the worst withdrawals lately, headaches, sickness, agitation and anxiety… paranoia… I’ve woke up at night drenched, sleep is so restless, I’ve had the most vivid and extreme nightmares… aye, it’s safe to say it has taken it’s toll…

Add to that… rewinding to the start of the week… a birthday and forgotten promises – not an isolated incident – a valentines day thinking about what I’ve lost then the onset of the Crash and withdrawals… instead of typing and the release I’m tempted to just… ARGH…

Why Argh? Because at the start of this week, I managed to have an amazing meal with some of those closest to me, it was a great time but ultimately it wasn’t enough to stave off the…

The whirlwind is here…

I’ve just tried to keep me head down and deal with it, saying nothing because I fear that people will get tired of it all… it’s tore me apart…

I do understand now what the doctor was saying when she mentioned medication naivety… it is not all singing and dancing, problem solving medication and I will still be onset by the mood switches… it’s just learning to deal with it…

I think I had deluded myself into thinking that I was through the worst of it… something I guess that is easy to do when you’ve enjoyed some normal mode of late…

Other incidents have occured that have set me back… I’ve felt isolated from the group at work, I’ve said before it is easy to feel alone and it was the worst I’ve felt this week at work…

I feel like some friendships have lessoned…

Just a difficult, irrational week I guess, I tell myself, I fight it but it comes back to the pebble and the tsunami…

Irrational…

I cannot help but think that I have pushed those close to me further away with how I have been lately… it crushes me… and I hate myself for it but do not know how to get back what I have lost…

Irrational… but it is there…

I’ve just got some fighting to do… the trouble is I just wish that I could close my eyes and sleep… and do not wake up until this round of The Crash is done… that is how sapping it is knowing I’ve got to deal with this again…

And that… my friends… is why this is so tough…

Because everything screams at me that it is a fight that I face alone…

Irrational…