08/12/2016

F*** me…

HELLO THE WORLD I KNOW AND LOVE… WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN HIDING?

Normality… as in feeling normal… as in hello brain… HIP FUCKING HIP HURRAY!

I have waited several weeks to say that… that was a crazy ride…

Why am I suddenly normal now? How do I know? What changed to lead to this?

Absolutely nothing changed, I just woke up and I knew…

Probably my best night sleep last night of just over 6 1/2 hours, I woke up a few times but was able to get back to sleep…

My alarm played it’s funky tune, I woke feeling tired, my brain felt sleepy but I felt great!

Rather than having a shower and closing my eyes to gain control or sitting there thinking how am I going to get through the day… I think back to my behavior lately and shake my head in bewilderment… who was this person? So erratic and all over the place…

No instant alert, no on endge, no instant gear 1000, no agitation, no racing thoughts just nice, slow, sluggish morning thoughts.

At this point I thought I might finally have burnt out of the Hyper but I didn’t want to jump to conclusions, I was feeling better yesterday but it took one moment to realise I still had some symptoms… the anger/irritability/once the brain got going, it really got going…

Holding my breath… hoping nothing would rear it’s ugly assed head but I am now reporting to you after the day and it held out… I have been in control and “myself” all of the day.

Things that turned me into HULK SMASH yesterday, I shake my head and think what were you doing, dickhead? The same things happened today and I was able to laugh it off…

Work was A-OKAY, focused and no issues, easy to get into a rhythm, wanted to work… yes, really…

It’s like I live three different lives:

–          THE CRASH – no hope, no energy, no motivation, I KNOW I’M A FAILURE… surrounded by sorrow… no anything… it’s like I live in a dimmed down world…

–          HEEYYYOOO HYPER – endless energy, no sleep, agitation, never shutting up, reckless abandonment and no interest in looking after myself… CAPABLE OF CONQUERING THE WORLD…

–          NORMALLLLL – normal, balanced life, I think logically, I laugh, I joke, I am in control, general positive outlook, first thoughts – gym time! I can sleep and also feel like my brain is my own… that chilled, relaxed, laid back guy is back…

 I’ve missed him…

---

I figured it best to go into Dr. Champ mode whilst I am feeling rather normal for a change, dive into that thinkymeat of mine or attempt to.

It’s night now and so far so good, nice chilled night, I haven’t even thought about any issues, no racing thoughts, no third world war trench thoughts either, just nice, normal, pleasent… me thoughts.

It’s the little things that I’ve noticed too that are different.

I’m genuinely interested in the things I do again, not just using them as a distraction…

When on THE CRASH a large exhale becomes a sigh of desperation, sorrowful and mourning… how do I do this?!

When on the HEEYYYOOO HYPER a large exhale is filled with excitement, my toes twinkle in joy thinking what can be done… even though I’ll change my mind after 15-20 minutes or so…

When I feel normal a large exhale is… just that… nothing more, nothing less, nothing to it…

I’ve also noticed a difference in my writing too, whilst on THE CRASH I am thoughtful, deep, raw emotion is put into every word I write or that is how I feel…

With HEEYYYOOO HYPER it’s just write… F*** it, whatever happens when the fingers hit the keys, happens, just roll with it and what will be will be… make sure to read back though and try to put into semblance…

When I am feeling like this, it’s more reflective and a combination between the two but that is first day analysis.

Probably the biggest thing I have noticed so far…

Music…

And that is strange because I am not really a big music fan, yes I do love a good tune and have my favourites but for the last couple of months or so, music has seemed to be absent from me, whether down or up…

When I am down, I either show no interest or it reminds me of something painful, I’ll link the words to a troubling memory that will just pop out of no where, it’s like that memory was saved for that moment no matter when it occured… it will be there… right scene for the right song so I block it out…

When I am up, I don’t think it even registers, it is just more to the back ground noise going on around me whilst I am doing whatever I am doing in that moment to distract me.

Now though, I’m back singing along… whistling… tapping my foot to whatever may take my fancy… in the moment enjoying it…

It’s strange, because I really did forget this me… sounds strange but it is true… but when I look back and actually think about it, he has always been there, that is the normal, chilled, happy me…

I hope it lasts… trying not to think about Chritmas though, it’ll be difficult no matter what, dreading it really but that is a story for another day…