30/11/2016

What a day…

Very little sleep, 3 hours if I’m lucky and that is after taking a second tablet given to me by the doctor to help me sleep at around 3am. Just could not shut down.

Still on a high, alert and wide eyed, feeling strangely overall happy considering everything though behind the scenes I’m exhausted and really on the edge if I think about it, thoughts racing about the day before whilst getting ready, cannot pin anyone particular thought down, just a deep feeling of helplessness mixed with the high, really confusing…

— (added later) After writing that and reading it back, I don’t think it was just a feeling of helplessness, added in to that there was anger and annoyance. I felt like I had a Hulk-Smash going on inside of me. At war, racing…

– I mentioned the edge, I stepped over the edge on the metro going to work, rush hour busy, I’m sat there and the mind is racing, silent tears just begin escaping from my eyes, trying to do everything to hold it together and not just sob. At the time I cannot place why and still unsure, best I can guess… that helplessness (revise above) against what I’m feeling, starting to feel so exhausted but still wired – hard to explain – knowing I’ve just got to get my head down and get on with it no matter how I’m feeling, I’ve got a life to live but thinking how? This is not THE CRASH upset though, it’s raw passion/emotion without that end of the world feeling, I guess the high in a way is protecting me, the way I’m looking at it is that I’m lucky I have been on a high the last two days rather than a CRASH, I don’t want to think how I’d be reacting if like that…

– Work, first two hours I can’t function, sit in silence, looking at nothing, lost in my thoughts. People have spoke to me and it’s took a few times of them saying before anything has registered… I get to talk it out and that helps, let out some emotion, start to think again and try settle down to work.

– Stubborn mode the day, tough going, surprised I got through the full day but happy. Feeling relieved but know it’s go time again tomorrow. Needed the lunch break and an hour to regroup.

– After work catch up with friend, explain what’s going on with myself, good to talk again. Home and a bit calmer, more focused, all day I was in the mind that no way can I write tonight but found a way to.

– I should feel exhausted after the day/days and sleep of late, I don’t unfortunately though I’m starting to feel that I’m burning out. You’ve still got the electricity going on but you’re starting to dim… there is only so long that you can keep up like this…