I’m writing this because I pretty much have to after tonight…
Quick summary of the last few days…
I’ve really struggled with the crash, my mood is nothing but sad and sorrowful, I’ve had to force myself to do anything, to move, to watch something, to leave the house and that is only because I have no option and need to buy some essentials… I’ve cried a lot…
I’ve never slept so much lately but never had so little motivation to do anything, no energy, no nothing really and it does kill you because parts of you are screaming to do activities, you’ve got plenty of options but to do these will break you, it’s not like it is even a worry, it is now a known fact… as tonight did…
I’ve bunkered down, done my own thing and kept my head down, kept to myself to get through the last few days, my good friend has come to see me a few times and that has helped… most of the day today I slept… I cried, I forced myself to eat something, I forced myself to read to try and take my mind out of the whirlwind…
Afterall I had a happy night to look forward to, I love going to the cinema and I was going to see a film I was excited for with one of my best mates…
I really didn’t feel like it but got a shower before I set off out, try to perk me up but I was filled with that sorrowful feeling and trying to block it out, I had a good night to look forward to… yep…
It just doesn’t work… I couldn’t really talk to my friend much, the usual response rather than making conversation, I felt emotionally on edge and anxious that I was out in public.
I sat in the cinema and just wanted to cry… and no that wasn’t due to any sad film etc… it was during the adverts, during the film, at the end… for much of the film my mind was elsewhere, caught up in that whirlwind…
After the film, we got back to the car and I just started to cry, tried to explain what was going on but just wanted to sob and I couldn’t link it to any particular reason…
Got home, said out goodbyes, the moment I got into the house I broke, I must have sobbed my heart out for at least an hour, maybe more, I’m not too sure to be honest but I was back home before 19:50 and it wasn’t until 21:10 that I started to come to my senses somewhat… either that or I cried myself out…
I just felt lost, I just felt… actually, name a painful feeling and I felt it… I honestly wanted to just shout in frustration until my throat was raw, it was a really difficult time.
After that finished I just sat in silence for an hour then thought I best type this…
Doctors tomorrow, thank god… This is getting too much if it carries on the way it is…
How the fuck do I get through this?!
My battle with Bipolar 