29/11/2016

Mood diary…

It’s hard to rate yourself in numbers, I’ll just better try to say but keep it concise… or try to…

– Still feeling high, it’s easy to get frustrated like this and I felt that today and I just had to remind myself to breathe and think things through later.
— Frustration felt because I feel like I’m no further forward though if I look at it logically I am in a way…

– When the doctor was asking questions at the end, it was hard to concentrate and express myself, everything was racing and I just had to try and absorb to take it in later.

– Got upset at feeling helpless after the appointment but that was just a feeling, talking with friends helped and still overall on a high so I can ride that out, it wasn’t like the upset I get when I have crashed, nothing like the abject misery I feel when like that.

– I’m in the mind frame to shrug things off, I have a hollow pit of your stomach feeling but I’m just doing my usual and ignoring it as best I can whilst feeling alert yet exhausted riding the high, strange right… don’t want to analyse why that feeling is there.

– And as I’ve typed this if I look back on the day I realise my thoughts have been racing on everything and anything all day, the day feels like a blur, it,s 21:41 and I don’t know where the time has gone… jumped from one activity to the other all day without really thinking about it…

P.s. Thoughts turn to sleep tonight… haha what sleep?

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So after writing that I have thought more of today and analyised, it’s what I do…

Why was I so frustrated earlier?

Dr. Champ time… let’s jump into that brain of mine… god help me…

I had prepared myself for the first meeting, I knew I was going in for the talk so I kind of knew what to expect and was comfortable, open and honest and able to express myself as I wished. Fine so far…

For the break though it gave me time to think through what I’d said, had I said everything I wanted, expressed myself enough… do I just sound crazy? Fair enough you may say but you’re riding a high, once you put the brain into gear 5 you’re already at gear 50… the whirlwind starts…

By that point you’re holding it together to function but not really there anymore, you’re lost in your own thoughts, the second meeting started with an additional doctor and it just threw me.

– Funny aside, at one point there was a communcation breakdown and I thought I was getting sectioned… no shit! “We will take you from here” and not what I think was meant to be said… “you will take this from here…” new underwear please!!!

After that, I could just nod and say yes… “Any questions you may want to ask?!”

YES!!! A MILLION!!!! BUT I CANNOT DO ANYTHING BUT F****** NOD AND SAY YES…

There is the frustration… Dr. Champ does it again…

Hmm…

… Sleep? Hahaha… good one…