Well… it’s Christmas Day… yey… happy Christmas…
I wish I felt that…
I slept in till 08:30, again a bonus, more sleep than I’ve had in ages but I do not feel any more refreshed…
I think I’ve said it but I have had a few options/invites today but I turned them all down, I just wanted to bunker down and hide away from the world…
One of my best mates may pop over about 21:00 if the baby settles down but that’s up in the air…
I’ve felt so sad and sorrowful all day, I’ve succumbed to the Whirlwind, I had a phone call with my mother this morning, the anxiety to just answer the phone was immense… seriously WTF? It was okay but you know when you just don’t want to talk to anymore even though deep down I really did… it wasn’t our usual flowing conversation… set me further into the Whirlwind of what is and what could have been…
I was right in the observation I made about music the other week, when like this it can kill me, I started thinking of Ave Maria and nearly started crying…
I had a good focus today, to cook Christmas lunch which I always enjoy doing but rather than having everything fully prepped and organised as I always do, I left everything to the last moment, it got done though.
I put the meat in the slow cooker at 10:30 and finally ate at 17:00…
The main reason for choosing to write today is two things…
Once I lost the focus of cooking the Christmas Diiner, once it was done, I sat down to eat and actually welled up with tears before I had taken the first bite, I just felt a mouring loss… I just felt sick with that feeling…
I cooked enough to feed 5000, I ate enough to feed 1/5 of a person, I guess it’ll freeze…
Also another one of the main whirlwind thoughts today and why I am writing to either vent or explain irrational thoughts, I’ve had people contact me to ask how I am, it’s nice and shows that they care, I really do appreciate it, the trouble is when you’re like this it’s about not about the people who do contact you…
It’s about the people who do not…
I’ve chewed a lot today about this, family and a couple in particular, one a good friend who I go out of the way to help no matter the cost, they knew today would be a really difficult day for me… a day of hell and they haven’t even bothered to spend two seconds to message me… I know it’s an irrational thought, I admit to that but when like this it’s like a cold blade piercing your heart… just further proof that no matter what you do in your actions, no matter what you do for people, the lengths you go to… you’re ultimately worthless and insignificant… the chewing/recycling thought…
I’m sick of writing this now – about that worthless feeling – but it is what it is, a mood diary and that’s the way I feel at the minute… non-stop…
Pain…
And that is why feeling like this… so low, trapped in a darkened world… the pain… you do think about just ending it all because it’s not worth going through… I only write this because it was on my mind, again I tell myself to FUCK OFF with the thought and know it is just a fantasy to escape from this pain, I remain in control with absolutely no thought of carrying it out but it is there and you just have to keep on fighting it off…
To be honest it’s annoying that my brain thinks that way and why I recognise it as such an irrational thought… it helps knowing that deep down I can recognise the irrationality of it all… but it is what it is and I am honest here…
My battle with Bipolar 