24/12/2016

I’m going to update during the day to get an accurate read…

 

– Woke up at 7:34 – that is the first time I have seen a “7” waking for a long time. I probaby had around 8 hours sleep, I feel more awake than usual but the energy levels are still very low.

 

– I’ve got a couple of options today, go see one of my best mates and relax or go out for a “coke” at the pub – unfortunately for me – or see another one of my best mates and go to the cinema – that is up in the air at the minute… normally I would jump at the chance to do any of these three options but I just cannot muster anything inside of me to want to do anything.

 

– It’s 09:18 and I haven’t really done anything, put some shows on for back ground noise but not really watching them, I feel hungry but cannot be bothered to get anything to eat, I generally feel really sad, every exhale is a sigh, nothing has really set me this way, just my overall general mood feeling – The Crash…

 

– I’ve just thought, I’m not stuck in the whirlwind of thoughts, yes I have had some thoughts drag me down so far but I haven’t descended to the depths to start recycling… yet… I hope it stays that way, I can almost cope with that sorrowful feeling I have as long as the whirlwind isn’t attached to it too…

– More updates to follow…

 

– Figured I had best add this, it’s 09:47 now and after finishing typing the above line, I’ve just sat and looked out the window for the last half hour watching the tree’s branches sway in the wind… today will be productive I can see…

 

– Ok… you know it’s bad when you have a Christmas tradition, the one thing you do for yourself that you love doing, almost a ritual, Die Hard… The Muppets Christmas Carol and Home Alone must be watched over Christmas… yet the thoughts of doing that this year actually almost make my cry…

20:19…

 

So what have I done today? Very little, cinema didn’t work out and I couldn’t face going around to my mates, I read some and gamed some, haven’t had much interest in the activities… needed to do stuff but put it all off… finally forced myself to move and leave the house around 17:45, only because the shop was about to close and I needed some toilet paper… a case of needs must…

 

But why am I writing this now? Because I need to…

 

My Dad called… the first time he has ever done that… ever…

 

That whirlwind? Hello there, I knew you would be along soon…

 

Drunk of course, I knew with his first word, just going on about his regrets of the past, how he misses me and wants me to uproot everything I’ve built, move close to him so it’s easier for him to see me… yeah…

Wants to come and pick me up tomorrow and have me along for Christmas all nice and nice…

All the while talking on the phone I can’t stop rubbing my hair, rubbing my neck, the hand that isn’t holding the phone hasn’t stopped… body language experts make of that what you will, I found it important enough to mention it…

 

It’s hard to admit and I guess not very nice to put into writing but with my father, after everything I went through as a child, I guess I “nothing” him…

 

When we lived together, he was always working away, down the pub, drunk and smoking at home and generally making us live our lives on the edge constantly…

 

I was never a priority…
Violence was a common occurence in the household…

Especially for my mother…

 

One story I was told, I had to be taken to the hospital when only a week old… my father had gone to punch my mother – whilst drunk – whilst she was holding me, he had missed, hit me and gave me a black eye…
An early memory, maybe 4 years old, I guess the age because we both fit onto the same sofa cushion… I remember hugging onto my older brother for dear life, hid under the blanket, on the sofa in the front room… my parents are having an almighty argument, I cannot remember what about, just that my brother and I were scared out of our wits, crying hysterically, my mother begging and shouting that she hasn’t done “something” then I hear the crash, the thump and her sobs, by this point my brother and I are just screaming, still hid under the blanket, I can remember my mother shouting, “Can you not hear the boys, hear what it is doing to them,” and she threw herself on to us because I remember feeling the weight… I unfortunatley then remember another weight added to the crushed pile, my father had joined the fray and rather than comfort his scared witless children, he decided to continue a struggle with my mother…
For me…
I remember once when I was 6 years old… I had a plastic gun that fired the rubber darts that never stick to glass – even if you lick them – anyway… I was hiding in our dining room, lights off playing cowboys… someone walked out of the living room and into the hall… I couldn’t see them and I shot them, was my father, he was drunk and I “could have put his eye out,” he hit me that hard he sent me flying across the hall and into the door, I got up and he kicked me from behind into the wall… by this point I was screaming and my mother rushed out of the living room and helped me up and stopped it going further…

I remember once when I broke my remote control car… being that petrified of him I made a fort out of our bunkbeds, hid under my blanket and just sobbed wondering what he will do to me… I guess I sobbed myself to sleep, woke up and he had fixed the car and said nothing… that was the differing states father I had…

 

Always on the edge never knowing what was going to happen… those are just a couple of moments out of hundreds…

He has a very old fashioned sense of being… his first born son is his heir, his pride and joy, everything he believes that a man should know, he spent time teaching his first son, shooting, fishing, hunting… the second son? I was too much effort, too young, too much of a mothers boy… too fat…

 

I always felt like an annoyance to him, don’t get me wrong, there was times when he shown that he could be a good father… just those times are lost to me, I honestly do not carry one positive memory of my father during childhood… it’s sad to say that now… but that doesn’t even bother me anymore, it is what it is…

 

But aye, that is why the whirldwind has started up, I wasn’t doing too bad keeping it at bay, I’ve felt down and sorrowful all day but now all I can do is recycle my past, early childhood and instances that I have no hope of ever changing… just instances that I remember the pain from instead… yey…

 

Happy Christmas Eve…

 

And funny enough – great timing – as I’ve just typed that he has sent me a drunk text that I hardly understand saying he’s in bed now and off to sleep…

 

I guess it’s something, a phonecall and a text in one night… he normally leaves the texting to his new wife as he can’t be bothered with it…

 

I guess it’s Christmas afterall…

 

I’m just going to put on a film, take a sleeping tablet and try and hide away from my life…

Leave a comment