You know, I cannot win, when in one state I want to do absolutely everything possible at the same time… when like this I just want to do nothing, I seem content to just lay on the sofa and look about my room thinking of little in particular, if anything it is how I cannot be bothered to do something or I’m not in the mood for that so I read random history or think about… issues… but I’m trying to block out those whirlwind thoughts… I think that’s why I’m in quiet-bunker-mode keeping a serene environment around myself…
But needs must sometimes and I’m forcing myself to recap since I couldn’t be bothered yesterday…
So let’s rewind to 22/12/2016…
5 hours sleep, maybe 6 but again, it was sustaining sleep, pretty tiring considering… cheers sleep, that’s what I do you for… to further tire myself out… never asleep for more than an hour at a time…
I had to ring the docs at 8am to confirm an emergency appointment… I was up from 5am so no worries about sleeping in there…
1 hour sat in the shower not wanting to move…
My overall mood was flat, if my mind turned to anything of late that has bothered me then my eyes would brim… a joyful morning indeed…
I get to the docs for 9:45 when my appointment was confirmed and talk through the recent issues and my call with the CMHT – with a new doctor by the way who seems like she genuinely wants to help and listened – I admit that things are getting worse and I’m struggling, confirm the lack of sleep is killing me and that I’m not looking forward to Christmas coming up, it’ll be a testing time… also don’t hold back and explain about the thoughts of 19/12/2016.
I explain that I am just exhausted from it all, we agree on 7 day sleeping tablets, I have diazepam left but I am not using that with The Crash, I’ve had my dose of Fluoxetine increased to 60mg a day too. Also given a two week sick note from work but I’ll tend to ignore that and go in when I feel well enough, had a talk with the boss and we agreed that was okay.
In a way it helped to know that I have made a baby step today to help me get through Christmas… then I got home and had a letter from the CMHT confirming my next appointment – 19th Jan… crushed me in a way to know that it was so far away… I have to start picking myself up again but I feel the whirlwind coming on… it just feels like 2 steps forward and 5 back when on The Crash.
To be honest, the rest of the day is a blur now that I am writing this, I did little of significance apart from learning more about the early Roman Empire, I tried not to think about anything else, if I did I would start to torture myself with the repeating thoughts… I just hid away from the world… why would anyone want to see or talk to me anyway?
It’s so easy to feel worthless when you’re like this…
23/12/2016
And back to today…
I was probably down to 4 hours sleep that night, I decided to not take a sleeping tablet because I want to use them over the Christmas period when I know sleep will be really difficult… Also I planned to go into work to speak with The Boss, hand in the sicknote but talk through the fact I want to work when I feel like I mentally can… I was awake anyway and had a lift in so it wasn’t too big of a problem… I didn’t plan to work that day and he was fine with it so it was no stress, nice easy morning, say hi/bye to everyone before Christmas starts… Yeah, nice easy morning…
Or so I thought…
Sat in the car on the way in, exposed again to the world, I just wanted to cry, I didn’t know what to say or do, I just felt vulnerable and I was with one of my favourite friends…
I got to work early and wanted to talk with my friend but just couldn’t, that marathon talking event again… I sat in silence and waited for The Boss to arrive, we had a quick chat about the last day, I hold back the tears best I can, talk through the plan of attack to come and all agreed/happy with…
Rather than sit and talk with the good friends I have there, I just wanted to escape as soon as I could, I came out of the meeting, said my quick goodbyes and set off as quick as I could… I’d wanted to – deep down – have a nice laugh before Christmas started… that went well…
Needed to shop and get food stuffs in for Christmas… that can wait… Sofa-history-lesson-day with a break to force myself to type this ramble…
TL;DR
The Crash…
My battle with Bipolar 