I am really not in the mood to write but one must force oneself when the end goal is succour…
Ah man… where to start, I guess it’s easy… The Crash… Yes, still… for those who have followed what I’ve wrote, that should be enough for you to know where I am at but I guess I need to go further, stubborn-it-up-finger-typing-away-mode…
But for a change, I want to start on a positive…
People, if you ever experience some of the thoughts that I have then share it with the people you think/know you can trust…
It’s strange – the places where you can find help…
My MD – The Boss – at work has been a rock for me. I find it hard to accept genuine kindness or help in life, when it has happened before to me there has always been a catch attached or a let down at the end of it all, I just do not expect it anymore but here, it has been different.
It sounds daft but I kind of need to keep getting reassurance that it is legit and everything is okay because to me I just cannot understand it, the support from him has been out of this world and I cannot thank him enough for it, if he was in his actions any other way then I wouldn’t be where I am right now, I’d have lost control if work became difficult because of the situation… I am lucky and thankful to him, he always had my loyality but not it’s set in stone.
It’s helped in this dark time…
Something I left out of 19/12/2016 now that I read it back… I shouldn’t have but here it is…
On the way back from work, all I could think about was ending it all, I became that low that I was convinced that I couldn’t go on like this. I just needed to end it all…
– Aside – yes – I’ve explained before, I would never do anything and I am determined to keep it that way but the irrational thoughts still take over and you have to argue with yourself to rationalise it all and realise you are being a stupid f*** in this moment…
I fought myself and won out, it was never really an ultimate contest of carrying out actions, just a mental battle of telling my irrational side to f*** off and leave me alone, it get’s annoying constantly battling stupid thoughts but I am lucky to be able to do so…
Anyway, down to the day, I guess I kind of got side tracked because I really don’t want to relive the day at hand…
Little sleep… here we go…
It took me an age to get out of the shower and to get ready, just that empty shell feeling, energy and all… almost like Hyper Zombie mode but nothing there… the thought of a full day at work sent me into a spin… how do I get through it?! The moment I set foot out of the door I was walking into hell…
I got in to work and gave the boss a difficult update on the last two days, admitted I am really struggling, he was open and honest – which I need – and gave me the options of what to do, I was determined to see out the day but honestly, it took at least 2 hours before I could really function, yes I could work but it was auto pilot work that needed little brain function… whenever I had nothing to concentrate on to distract me I became lost in the whirlwind… lost in that endless whirlwind, if someone tried to get my attention it took a couple of attempts…
One real frustration is that it is so difficult to function in a work environment when you feel like this, you have to force yourself to do anything, force yourself to think and function… I really struggle when the office becomes loud, when everyone is active at the same time I become lost in a cacophony of hell… all aspects of my being seep out of me and I struggle… not exactly what I really need to help me handle the situation…
I spoke to the boss again, explaining what was going on and got the option of going home but I just don’t want to give in to it and quit, it’s too easy an option to take and if I want to continue the life I lead then I need to fight it as hard as it is. He did talk some sense in to me though and I called the CMHT to try get some help, after waiting a while for a callback and chasing it up again I got to talk, it helped and now I need to get an emergency GP appointment tomorrow and go from there…
It sounds daft but something as small as that helps, rather than floundering in water I actually have a baby step of help on the horizon, let’s just see what comes of it…
The day went by in a blur, I managed to do some work in the odd moments I got free of the whirlwind recycling the endless World War 3 thoughts… I actually didn’t realise 17:00 came I was too busy thinking of what I can do to get out of this personal hell… but I made it to 17:00, that in itself was a miracle… I’ll take what I can get at the minute… I realise I didn’t take a lunch break or eat anything that day it was that much of a blur…
It’s night now, I’ve done nothing but bunker down from everything, television is off, laptop is my one distraction reading random shit, tonight I am refreshing the Roman Empire, I realise I’ve forgotten the early Roman History, I know and remember the main parts but not the chronological order… it gives me a distraction… if I think of anything else I find that my eyes brim…
It’s tough, I won’t lie…
My battle with Bipolar 