Not a good day… well it started as not a good night, fits of sleep but hardly any of sustenance, I spent the night tossing and turning, wrapped up in the endless cycle of regretful thoughts…
The diazepam helps me relax and sleep when I’m on a hyper but I know I cannot take it whilst like this, as much as I want to so that it’ll help me sleep, it will do no good at all for my overall mood so I resist, haven’t had any in a while now since The Crash started… doesn’t help me get any peace though…
I made it as far as the shower for getting ready for work, I sat and just cried for an hour, my alarm went off to get out and get ready but I just couldn’t move, as long as I remained there under the water I didn’t have to face the world, I’m not sure how long went by but it was over an hour of sorrow… the fingers were well “pruned.”
I was scared to call off work again, my boss is super supportive and deep down I know would be okay about it but it doesn’t stop me feeling sick about doing it…
I can’t win, to go in to work when like this breaks me… to call in sick breaks me…
I’ve spent most of the day bunkered down, trying not to think about anything, doing nothing… I’m at its mercy…
That little voice tells me I’ve never had as much support as I have had lately compared to years gone by, especially now that I am open with what is going on… but now, with The Crash… I’ve never felt so alone in the world as I have right now…
I just feel lost…
My battle with Bipolar 