12/12/2016

I’m really not in the mood to write, considering everything of late and how much it helps, that is rare but let me take you to Friday quickly, the 9th and maybe that help start to help you understand…

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09/12/2016

My world fell apart today…

I just can’t bring myself to write about today yet… I’ll pick it up when I can…

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I’m just going to get on with this but I really don’t want to do anything at the minute, every ounce of me just wants to shut down and retreat from the world…

As you may be able to tell… I’ve crashed…

How? No f****** idea but I can pin point the moment I started to feel it come on…

I had maybe 4 or 5 hours sleep Thursday night (8th) but I woke up feeling rather positive, it was my work night out for Christmas that night and I was looking forward to it, just a nice meal with great people, nothing too taxing for me considering what has gone of late and I had a great day the day before so all in all, it was a good start…

I got a lift into work that morning with one of my favourite persons that I know and that picked me up further, on the journey I was laughing and talking away, in a really good mood…

I’d just made up some stupid lyrics to a song, laughed about it but then…

It was like a button was pressed…

Not an instant mood switch, nothing like that but something small… As I’ve being so perceptive of late I noticed it straight away, it was like a small change came over me…

No triggers, no thoughts that lead to it, nothing that I can even remotely identify with to cause it, I guess the best way I can describe it was…

Like a rock was suddenly placed on my shoulders, nothing strenuous but a noticeable weight… something that made me pause because it had come out of nowhere… and I actually did pause…

I instantly forgot why I was having fun, why I was laughing and joking on and stopped talking… it was like I suddenly couldn’t talk anymore… or didn’t want to…

I was asked if I was okay? What was wrong? So it was noticeable for the other party too… the change…

Now that I look back on it I became wrapped up and lost in the usual repeating thoughts… that whirlwind was starting to build from nowhere… I got to work and started off able to work, I went into stubborn mode to get on with it but as the day progressed it started to get worse… It had took from around 07:15 and the metaphysical rock to maybe 13:00 and an, “Ok, something is going on here now,” thought…

It was like a tap was turned on somewhere and my energy, enthusiam, light and joy was slowly leaking away…

I did get a knock later that day, I won’t lie, it was something that bothered me a great deal but something that I should and that I can normally shake off… normally…

But…

It was suddenly a case of that energy leaking away became a torrent… that energy that was holding my world together ran out… I broke, I crumbled, my world had ended and that last remaining spark I was holding on to had gone out…

Sounds dramatic but that was what I was feeling at the time, I couldn’t concentrate, I couldn’t think clearly… I could just recycle that world ending thought but now everything else was getting added to it… all the issues of late came rushing back to say Hello… didn’t get rid of us for long, did you…

I know I was irrational in that moment but I also know that there was jack diddly squat that I could do about it… I was consumed…

I had an hour of work  to get through and talked it through with a good friend there at work and was able to gain some control… I’d spent the last hour an emotional wreck… I still wanted to go to the meal – stubborn mode, aye – so tried to shut off everything going on around me, had a tablet and just said to myself that I can be normal, that I can get through a meal with these people I really do care about… I’ve got to…

Hindsight is a great thing… I shouldn’t have gone to the meal…

Deep down I wasn’t feeling it at all for obvious reasons but me being me, I went…

I can’t describe what it was like but I’ll try… I wanted to talk and join in but I couldn’t… it was like a was trapped in a soundproof booth of my own making and I couldn’t get out… I was an observer of everything going on around me but try as I might I couldn’t get involved… I sat in silence… praying for a spark to get going… struggling whilst everyone was having a laugh and great time themselves… someone spoke to me, I said a few words and just became lost again… it was a horrible experience that shouldn’t be that way… it was like I was a shell…

I left after the meal, lost, dejected, upset… got a lift back, could hardly talk and silently cried…

To be honest… by this point my main thought was please god, no. I really can’t be crashing, don’t let this be happening… not so soon… not after yesterday… I felt great… I was alive… I felt glad to be alive…

I WAS TEASED WITH ONE FUCKING DAY OF NORMALITY AND NOW THIS IS OCCURING… WELL FUCK YOU WORLD…

HOW AM I GOING TO GET THROUGH THIS…

Just please, please, please, I beg you, I’ll do anything, just please don’t let me crash…

I was consumed…

The “fantasy” of just ending it started again because if it is anything like last time… THIS WILL BE HELL…

– As an aside – it is just a fantasy… I could never do that to my friends and family but it doesn’t stop the thoughts… and the fact you have these thoughts rips you apart more so… as in when I am my normal logical self it’s straight up head shaking frightening…

Noting the aside… this is why it is so hard to deal with… your world ends but you’re alive, you don’t know how long you are going to have to suffer this… you just know that you’re in for one hell of a f****** ride… you have all sorts of thoughts to battle through… back to the trenches…

Home wasn’t too fun but it does help… I guess I almost go into a mediative state, shut down anything and everything that can distract me and focus on one thing and one thing only… it can be anything… anything but the whirlwind… but the whirlwind still wins…

I hardly slept that night, around 6am I drifted off for a few hours… it passed in a blur… I didn’t want to move from the sofa… I played a computer game to take me away from everything and got lost in it for hours… the moment I thought of anything else, tears would emerge…

Saturday and Sunday, 10th and 11th passed by very similar. I have 100 jobs to do before Christmas but I didn’t have the energy or the will to do any of it… I was an empty vessel.

My mate came and sat with me late on Saturday night which helped, I got to sleep that morning at 5am and just let Sunday pass by in a state of lethargy.

Again, everything I needed to do… safe to say that didn’t happen…

I had to start thinking about work… dragged myself to bed at around 22:00 but I know I was still awake after 1am lost in that unending stream of thoughts…

12/12/2016

It was pretty much the same as Saturday and Sunday but throw into the mix me attempting to work…

Awoke before 06:00, just tried to start prepping myself for the day, spent over an hour in the shower lost in thought whilst trying to shut everything out…

I am a mess on the way in to work… mess at the start of work… spoke with the boss, gained a little control… worked until 12:30 with a few emotional breaks in between and then I had to call it a day before I went into full on breakdown mode…

You know when you are trying to concentrate but you keep getting distracted by the slightest little thing… it felt like this but on a large scale… the slightest little noise really effected me… in a work environment it was hell…

My trying to concentrate was me not breaking down… so it didn’t end well…

The moment someone spoke it was like I had a motorway passing through my brain, all thoughts went out of the window, when I could think I was trapped in the repeated recycling of my undeserving and unworthiness of life… not what I wanted to concentrate on…

I would get the odd moment of clarity where I could work but it wasn’t long before I became distracted again and consumed…

I had to get home and go into shutdown mode… it seems my only defence at the moment that works against THE CRASH but it isn’t very helpful with life…

I guess my biggest frustration is that I had a day or normality dangled in front of me where I felt great… to have that so soon ripped from my grasp is heartbreaking…

Same guy, same brain, just what feels like a different mode all together…

P.S. I guess I was in the mood to write, see that is a part of THE CRASH… to do anything takes a monumental effort… it’s draining…