12/01/2017

I’m so Hyper… my sleep is all over… my body is knackered but my mind is AWAKE!

What a week, where have I got to?!

The best way to describe my current mood is “OASFODHFOADJFSDFJSDF!”

Though I need to keep this updated so forcing myself to write now, this could take a while… concentrate…

I guess I best rewind first to the 08/01/2017…

I’m not proud of what I wrote on the 08/01/2017, I was tempted to delete it but I guess it shows what my mind is like when I have a complete meltdown…

I don’t deal well with bad news I guess…

Sunday 8th started off “great,” I didn’t have too much sleep but I was on the high so it didn’t really matter, after maybe 4 hours sleep I was up and at the gym by 10:30, got done in there, shopped and got settled down for an unwind of a day… generally buzzing really…

Then bad news arrived… one of my closest friends from work and an absolute rock for me did get the other job in the end and I recieved the news Sunday and I went into absolute meltdown… they would be gone by Friday 13th (typically) with thoughts that I would never see them again…

Anger, rage, frustration… absolute sobbing… my mood went all over the place, I got trapped in my head and hours went by with my crying or just looking into space chewing on everything… it was like my world was ending… I wanted to release the frustration… it played out in my mind just smashing up my place…

It just felt like I couldn’t go on, the best solution that my head was telling me was to end it, I had to fight so hard to get this out of my head or not remove it totally but to just try and ignore it… I won’t lie, I did sit and think how could I do it but more of a fantasy probably to just get me away from the erratic moood I was in… It was a terrible day…

I tried calling a couple of my close friends but two were working overtime and one wasn’t available…

I felt I had no option, I had to call the Crisis Team, I couldn’t think rationally and just needed to talk to someone, to help try get my brain functioning again and thinking through the problem logically rather than just ARGH. My best option I had was to take some sleeping tablets and just hope for the best in falling asleep…

That was around 17:00, I battled through to 19:00 after some advice, took two sleeping tablets and just passed out around 21:00. It didn’t really help though, I’ve said before the sleeping tablets do not keep me asleep when on a Hyper… nevermind throwing in the bad news…

00:00 I was awake, 01:00, 02:00, by then I just gave up trying to sleep, my mind was all over, I just got up and sat wrapped in a blanket in the dark lost in my own world… I maybe slept around an hour between 06:00 – 07:00 and my alarm went off for work…

09/01/2017…

A blur… I was again, all over the place, I didn’t go into work, called two friends around 08:00 in anger and tears, my mind was in gear 1000, I couldn’t think straight… much of the day passed by with me doing very little other than trapped in the whirlwind…

This went on until around 21:00, all f****** day like that, one point I just wanted to let loose at the world, the other I was actually letting out anguished wails whilst crying, I just couldn’t function…

I must have finally just crashed out asleep from exhaustion, I was dead to the world, got sleep from I don’t know when but it was probably 5 hours sleep in total…

The day really is just a blur…
 

10/01/2017

I woke up still chewing but much less… Recharged kinda…

Once the initial shock factor was over I started to shurg off the bad news and think f*** it, I’m ignoring this, I’m Hyper… I think I’ve said before Hyper me lets Future me worry about it…

Shower power!! I sorted my head out in the shower, figured I can work and do this…
And my mood went through the roof…

DON’T STOP MOVING BABY!!!

Total HEEYYYOOO HYPER kicked in…

That news went on to ignore and I was bouncing…

Started dancing about after the shower, getting ready for work, singing away thinking f*** it today I’m conquering the world… or work anyway to start with…

My mind was racing but it was racing in a functioning way for a change, I had all the ideas of what I can do that day, who I should talk to, what I needed to get sorted, the whole button pressed, right lets get my life sorted, full motivation GO!

And this is the scary thing about the HYPER, when you experience moments like this…. IT.IS.AMAZING… honestly, that guy from Monday? Who is that, I F****** LOVE THE WORLD AND THE WORLD LOVES ME…

The good at his job, laughing, talking, cracking on bloke was doing his thing…

I breezed through the day like I had caffeine on drip… I wanted to talk to everyone and wanted to do everything at once…

It was a while since this guy had got to play so I thought f*** it and rolled with it…

Made the most of the time with the friend who was leaving and ensured it was a happy time rather than sad, how it should be at the end…

The night I had plans to see a mate but it got late… 20:00… yeah I thought that was late everything considered… and we rearranged for the next day so we could have a better talk of everything going on…

I went to bed for 21:00, probably fell asleep around 02:00 though having the wild adventures in my head – obviously anything but sleep – slept a couple of hours and was up and active, ready for another day…

11/01/2017

Pretty much a repeat of the day before, it rocked and I rocked obviously off very little sleep but ENERGY baby…

I multi-tasked the shit out of work, had a laugh and probably didn’t shut up but anyway…

One of my closest friends came over that night, I pretty much gave a full update and I talked about it all, the darkest times to the highest, the pity, pain and sorrow to the DON’T STOP MOVING BABY!

It was good to talk and explain plus he is like a brother to me anyway so it is always a good catch up, something we plan to do more regular again… I look forward to it…

I had to have a sleeping tablet to help me sleep that night, not much in the end, I was up from 03:00 but that didn’t really bother me, I was still hitting the high streak so I kept myself busy then had a nice long shower… obviously…

12/01/2017

 So it was really the events of tonight that made me decide to write this…

Ah man, you can only hold back the bad news so long… even when like this…

It’s not until now that I realise what I had done and totally blocked out the bad news… I hadn’t turned it into positive or good vibes, I had just stubborn-arsed-typical-male shut it out…

The day at work was okay, my mind was racing but I could function, got through to lunch without any incident and the friend and I had our normal lunch together but then it started to creep in that this will be the final time we visit our usual cafe together before they leave…

Wait? Yes… remember that… tomorrow is the final day… after 3 years of travelling to and from work with each other – minus a few month inbetween the first and second year – working with each other, lunching together every day, just being a support for each other through those years, tomorrow is the final day of all that…

Gate… Open…

Everything I blocked out came rushing back in…

Now I’ve strung together a few nice days of this Hyper so it didn’t crush me straight away but it started to dawn on me…

Honestly, I had totallly blocked it out…

But it is happening…

Tomorrow…

Sledge. Hammer. Face…

F****** hell it is tomorrow…

I kept it mostly together until 16:59…

One of the people from work isn’t in tomorrow so it was time for them to say their goodbyes…

Sledge. Hammer. Face…

F*** me, that was painful seeing that…

Sledge. Hammer. Face…

We travelled home together and I was in a state of shock and emotionally on edge there was no two ways about it…

I broke at the end when it came to say goodbye and it’s not even the final day…

Now I’m running on empty with that dawning… but I’d promised I would go to the gym tonight and I made sure to keep that promise…

It would help release some of the emotion though I am really starting to run on empty now…

I go with one of my closest friends and to be honest my head was all over, my mind was racing and I was lost in my own world even whilst doing reps at the gym, I could have easily cried if I let myself but I fought it back…

Got home and started to write… god this has taken hours to concentrate enough to write this all down…

I really do dread tomorrow, if you asked me last year what is one of the worst things that could happen… this would be it… I actually asked myself that question last year – name two of the worst things that could happen to you within the next year and both became true…
Tonight and sleep should be fun, at least I’ve wrote long enough to make me sleepy and wonder where the night has gone…

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