06/12/2016

I feel great… or as great as you can feel on Diazepam…

Wait? What? Rewind…

Yesterday…
Work improved as the day wore on and I was able to turn my focus to the task at hand, it was exhausting but fortunately I have a late lunch, 14:00-15:00, it came at the right time as I needed a quick reset to finish out the day. I was starting to get on edge, agitated easily…

After work it was a mixture of shows, computer and internet, again alternating between the three. Wish I could get to the gym but so, so tired.

I knew I had a doctors appointment the next day (today as writing) and it wasn’t until 11:00 so I could have a sleep in… aye, okay, like that would happen but positive thinking and all that…

I had a last “sleeping” tablet I found from the previous prescription and figured it would be as good a time as any to use, trouble is they help you fall asleep but not remain asleep… you can guess what is coming…

Fell asleep around 23:00, wasn’t too bad getting to sleep with the help of the tablet but I woke up at around 02:00 and that was me for the night, brain awake, tossing and turning all night catching a few minutes here and there, the night just passing in a blur of memories, thoughts and frustration…

Get set for the appointment at 11:00 and feeling pretty zombie but I can function at least.

– As an aside, my doctor is great or was great, it was the last appointment with her today as she is getting transferred elsewhere, genuinely gutted about that as it was easy to talk to her as she has been with me from the start of this journey, I’ll always remember her for what she helped me with, thanks, Doc.

I get to talk out the recent goings on, the frustration, sleepless nights, the thoughts too fast to grab a hold of, basically the HEEYYYOOO HYPER…

It always helps talking to the Doc, good at what she does… figured out I need something to help slow me down, something to help chill me out when I am in hyper mode… hello Diazepam 5mg…

Well dang, but it’s helped, aye, I might be mega chilled and lethargic but compared to recent events, people, this is bliss…

It’s a case of Hello stranger… where have you been for a while?

Don’t worry, I’m not crazy or anything, I’m just talking to my brain that’s all…

I feel like I can concentrate and focus on tasks, it just takes a bit of a time to start the task but again, it’s a nice change of pace…

No longer am I trying to grab that racing thought out of the air and realising it wasn’t the one I wanted and fuck it anyway… I go off down that rabbit hole instead to see where it will lead… and when I say thought, I don’t mean bad thoughts or anything, I’ve explained the hyper, I can be thinking about history, to the at hand day, to people, writing, films, books, life etc… anything really to keep the mind occupied…

I can just unwind, I’ve been able to sleep (I KNOW RIGHT?!?!) – I don’t feel fully recharged but I feel much better, I’ve been able to actually watch a complete 40 minute episode without reaching for the laptop, phone or any other sort of distraction…

It has been nice… bliss… peaceful…

I can breathe out a sigh of satisfaction… feels strange to say that… got to take the positives where I can…

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