05/01/2017

– I waited until the very end of the day to write this because I didn’t want to curse myself…
 

What a difference a day makes…

Seriously, what the actual f***.

It was the worst day I’ve ever faced yesterday, how I got through it I do not know, hours and hours of sobbing, thinking of ending it all and today…

Today, I woke up and just felt like a totally different person.

Total mood switch.

Rewind a bit…
I took 2 sleeping tablets at 21:00 the night before and woke up at 06:00, I did wake up a couple of times during the night but I was that exhausted I fell back asleep…

It helped in a way as sleep is a big trigger – I know I’m not fully out of the crash but I know I’m coming out of it…

How do I know?

No whirlwind, no anxiety, no carrying of the sorrow, no thinking of the bad news and instantly breaking down, I have motivation and can move from the sofa, appetite is back to normal, I went to the shops, I only had a ten minute shower, yes really! I even went to the gym though gym and meds do not mix – ugh…

I know I’m not fully out of it yet though as I do still feel a bit flat and had a 2 minute upset moment earlier but rather than it turning into World War 3, I was able to shake it off…

For someone who craves consistency and routine, it’s practically impossible to do that at the minute with such dramatic shifts in mood. It’s frustrating but I’m just happy to be coming out of The Crash now, I wasn’t sure how much more I could have took of it…

It’s like my body torments me, I came out of the Hyper when I couldn’t take anymore of it and now the same with The Crash…

I think I’ve mentioned before, it’s a total different way I live my life…

Three different ways… for a sustained period of time…

Hyper
Normal
Crash

Can I just have some balance please?

Tomorrow will be the true test to see where I am at though, I am going to attempt work… dun dun der!!!

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