05/12/2016
So I’ve been naughty… it has been a while since I last wrote an update but hear me out… there is a method to my madness… yeah right… but here is my justification…
I always fully intended to recap the weekend but I wanted to turn off for a few days or try to… I’ve been so careful and controlling of myself lately that I just needed to let my hair down and have a break… but with doing this, I also set myself up as a test subject… Or that is the excuse I have created after the gap in writing… to be honest the weekend has been a blur…
I guess that I wanted to see how I acted when I wasn’t thinking about what I was doing all of the time, almost just let it run it’s course. To see where I went and how I acted this weekend with the observation and self reflection to come after the event rather than during… maybe not the best of ideas…
With my concentration as it was, I would have been sat there a year later trying to explain what was going on so this is why you are getting it later…
Problem with that though… it also recharges the hyper…
The Fri,2nd Dec was, well, I’ll describe and someone else can try and explain what was going on…
A great day, I could work, I could function, I almost felt normal… I was generally just in a really happy mood and was able to continue that throughout the day, I wasn’t trying to think too much and just rolled with it…
About 3pm though I notice that I’ve been carrying an unnatural feeling with me all day… the best way that I can describe it is like a giddy excitement… you know when you see a teenager meet someone really famous and all they can do is giggle… that was me, a 31 year old bloke… but about every day actions… watch a TV show I view every week? Giggle… Computer game/read/watch a film… giggles and excitement, you would have thought it was Christmas coming up the next day… this has NEVER happened before, ever…
That feeling was with me throughout the day and into the night… but there was no racing of thoughts, out of control feelings etc. I guess the main issue of the day came when I was trying to get to sleep…
Considering how little sleep I had during the week I should have been able to sleep for a week… my mate comes over for a few hours after work, we watch some shows and unwind, he leaves around 10pm and for the next 4 1/2 hours I move from one activity to the other, I struggle to focus on anything for more than 15-20 minutes… I start something and instantly want to do something different…
I force myself to bed @ 02:40, no sleep for an hour, tossing and turning and then my brain just says, “Why are you trying to sleep there are too many things that you can be doing…”
Those exact words…
Sheer excitement, I give up trying to sleep and shoot up out of bed, jump on to the sofa with the air of expectation of fun to come… now I’m out of bed what do I want to do?! No idea… all those exciting activities don’t seem interesting anymore. I browse the internet, watch half a show and then put on a film… I remember looking at my phone, seeing it was 04:45 and thinking I’m never going to get to sleep…
I guess I managed to get some sleep some as I woke up with a start at 7am…
Unbelievably… the brain goes… Yey, I slept, that’s enough let the games begin again… I feel alert and awake, I go to the shops for opening at 8am but man… my body is so tired, it’s draining just going shopping and back home, the brain tells me one thing, the body tells me another…
To be honest, the rest of the weekend continued on like this… Sat,3rd Dec and Sun,4th Dec were a blur…
I went from reading / internet browsing / tv shows / computer games / film and then back again to reading to repeat the cycle, maybe 30 minutes to an hour per activity but whilst I am watching the TV/Films I am also browsing the internet, it’s impossible to leave my laptop alone for more than 10 minutes, my attention constantly turns to something new…
If my thoughts turn to any of the problems of late, it’s anger… sheer anger as in it is creating a change in my body anger, I’ve got tense, my heart is racing and every part of my soul is screaming HULK SMASH… This comes and goes throughout the day, easy to recycle some thoughts to chew on… just breathe…
I managed to get a 40 minute nanna nap on Saturday afternoon too, before that, but it wasn’t enough, then slept from around 12am – 3am and after that I was awake until Sunday night…
Sunday, during the day – well it went the exact same way as Saturday, almost felt as the two days merged together.
Mon, 5th Dec, I’m at work, it took me a long time this morning to get going, I was chewed on the way into work thinking I’ve got the full day ahead whilst so exhausted, this had a knock on effect and it took me a couple of hours to get the brain into gear and into work mode… for the first couple of hours I was looking at nothing at war in my head… everything racing…
I feel like I’m stuck on the rinse and repeat cycle of HEEYYYOOO HYPER! Zombie mode coming every two-three days depending on my sleep… it’s hard work, it’s tough, it’s constant, it’s tiring and yet it is strangely fun…
My mind turns to how long can this last… I was hoping that I would burn out by now…
My body craves normality…
A suggested idea of smoking marijuana to help… when I am like this it could slow me down, the pace of my brain will normal and I can think/relax… chill… but how fucked up is that? I shouldn’t have to rely on an illegal drug to help me through this… especially one that can have long term MENTAL consequences… it’s the last thing I need right now but it’s an Emergency Plan…
My battle with Bipolar 