02/01/2017
Maybe around 8 hours sleep though I did wake up a few times.
I have a little more energy today, I’m not at the point of having to force myself to move, I actually went to the shops and did my washing which I had put off for a few days… baby steps – I’ll take what I can get.
My overall mood is still down, still the sigh as I exhale, maybe not the levels of the last few days but the anxiety is still showing it’s face, strongly. I have that sick, worry feeling.
I just feel constantly on edge, like something is going to happen at any minute, no idea what mind you but that is how I feel, it does get annoying…
Speaking of annoying… I wasn’t going to write this in to the diary but I have to I guess…
It’s hard to explain but I’ll try…
Have you ever thought about something but something that you not really knew that you were thinking about it until you actually started paying attention to what you are thinking about… yeah, see I told you it was hard to explain but it went something like this:
My brain debating with itself…
Brain: If it ever got to utter darkness and you cannot go on, what would be the easiest way to just end it…
Brain: Well no idea, I had a family member hang themselves, pills and alcohol, I couldn’t cut myself, no car for…
Brain: Well you could always Google it…
Me: Wait, what the actual F*** rewind a second and stop right there… NO, NO and No… and I am not F****** doing any research into it, slippery slope…
It was kinda a scary moment, I won’t lie, what I am going through is constantly on my mind I guess, it’s relentless, it’s 24/7 and that is why you got wore down…
It’s like when you let your thoughts wonder they go on auto pilot to darkness…
I do actually laugh at the thought of ending it because it does seem so absurd, I couldn’t do it to my friends and family as I’ve said but it’s strange that it is still in your thoughts…
Anyway, enough of that for now, it was a moment to ponder on…
I still have the sicknote until the 5th but I am going to try and go in tomorrow, I have to, I need to. I just want to get on with my life. It is going to be tough but I am trying to think positive about it and that I can do it… just it doesn’t always work out like that…
I guess I could quote von Moltke – “No battle plan survives contact with the enemy.”
Or…
My favourite is Burns – “The best laid schemes of mice and men…”
Either could apply for me tomorrow…
Let’s see how it plays out, I really don’t want to face people… I really don’t want to face the world…
My battle with Bipolar 