– Two hellish weeks suffered of THE CRASH… probably the worst I’ve faced yet… fuck man that was tough, no point holding anything back… anyway…

HEEYYYOOO HYPER!
– good luck reading this (before typing)
– – you’ll see… (added after typing)

I was advised to write, I wrote, it helped… so I am back again, here with you now to share the different side to me, the “energetic” side… who am I sharing this with? No idea yet, we’ll see but for now this is to relieve some pent up energy…

Energy? Who is this guy… from THE CRASH? Can’t be… But aye… the joys of the differing states…

I wanted to wait till I was in an for another ride so that I could try and explain what it is like but that is pretty much impossible, how do I express a thousand thoughts at once because that is what I’m feeling right now…

One day I’m crying… the next this… anyway the brain is telling me…

Write this – then I can do this – Oh shit that’s clever – what if I said this… I need to say this… aaannndddd finished… wait I didn’t type anything…

My brain has skipped from gear 1 to gear 10… 1000?! or that is how it feels, whilst focusing on something – writing – I’m having too many thoughts to be able to type them down quick enough so for now I’ll rewind a bit and take myself back to how it starts…

Or try too… Where to begin?

I’ve found and I’ll probably – definitely – find this will be a ramble… but since I’ve come this far why stop… just realised I side tracked myself there… see too many thoughts…

But anyway… what I call my hyper mode…

You rise up from the ashes of the depression and you really feel that you can conquer the world, you’re alive and electric, what can hold you back? All the problems you faced before? Bah, they are nothing… NOTHING… who cares anymore?!

– side note – From recent thinking, it comes after the depression… could be wrong.

You feel like you’re floating and also you’re aware of everything going on around you… it’s like when you have that first sip of caffeine in the morning… you’re alert and ready but permanently switched on.

You come out of a depressive battle and it’s like stepping out of your bedroom and being able to be on the top of Everest shouting “Hello world and a good day to you all,” because that is how it feels…

It is not until recently that I come to recognise hyper mode for what it is and that is why it can be scary. It hides in what you think is plain sight…

… It feels normal in a way because you’re just happy that you aren’t on the brink of emotional breakdown anymore, you know you’ve made it through another round of World War 3 Depression… yeah it’s weird… it just feels like you’re returning to (and I hate to say this but it is the best way to describe it) normal but really it isn’t… you’re too “up there!”

Same guy, same brain, just what feels like a different mode all together… the HEEYYYOOO HYPER! mode…

Sounds good right? In a way but damn, I’ve come to realise I’ve got to be careful when like this for multiple reasons… some might not sound bad but it’s switched on… 24/7… no let up until it’s run it’s course and you’ve ridden it out… again… time to be AWARE.

– I’ll be a loveable, laughable, roguish and a witty tease, playful, talking and never shutting up… for a while until you come face to face with that line to not cross? Ha… what line? It’s so easy to take it too far or continue pushing it, you’re shouting at yourself to shut up now, you’ve had your fun but damn, you’re on fire today so why stop now? Aye, it’s so easy to go too far…

– I’m really chilled, it takes a lot to really piss me off when I’m not in this mode but man, say something that for today I find annoying and I’ll want to bite your head off… deep breathes… unfortunately sometimes you can’t stop yourself, you can be a right bastard and afterwards it’s always why did I say that?! You know it normally wouldn’t bother you so what the hell THAT ISN’T YOU?! Ah well, who cares… for now… future me can repair that… ** dumbass… seriously…

– And with that, again laid back guy right? Logical, thinks things through, rational… yeah, where’s that guy when I’m like this? Set me a challenge and I’ll stubborn mode it and do it – male-pride-high-five-dumbass-only-we-really-know-mode it can be also known as… 26 mile fell run in 6 months time when you’ve never run a mile in ten years, unfit? Yeah why not? Nearly killed me but yey! I did it… hmm somtimes it does help I guess but anyway… that’s a good example, rational guy? Thinks things through… Ok one MILD example that has sprung to mind from a while back… in this mode grand plans are afoot it seems at anytime you decide, spent ages building a life, amazing friends and job, nice place to live… hey I could throw it all away and just go somewhere new for shits and giggles, no logical reason why but it sounds tempting… it may sound daft but for me, honestly afterwards when normal mode resumes I’m shaking my head thinking what the hell?! How close I came to throwing it all away, sometimes it feels like the finger is on the button, who cares if it’s the self destruct button… you can face anything…

– Money? Oh I’ve been saving up? Ah who cares, you can soon save up again, you’ve been depressed so let’s go get some new clothes, night out, meals etc. Future You will worry about that… that thing that you’ve been saving up for… ah who cares? Again… normal mode resumes and I’m shaking my head thinking good one… genius…

– Urges… nothing sinister… mwhahahahaha… no really but still… urges.

– Energy… Oh baby there is plenty of it… sounds good right? Well yes but not when it’s 1am in the morning, you’re writing a ramble, you’ve had 5 hours sleep in 48 hours and you’ve got work the next day but what is sleep? Sleep is for the weak, I don’t need that and anyway, you honestly think I could sleep right now? I’ll close my eyes and the brain goes into even more overdrive… what is shut down? Let’s think up of things that you can do when you decide on giving up trying to sleep and when you’ve finished that, hmmm, sleep..? Nope, let’s think of the day gone by or a book or a film or make up my own adventure, it’s almost like you forget that you’re trying to sleep but hours pass, you’re still awake and you finally give up… you’ll eventually run out of energy unbeknown to you as it seems at around 5-6am, you’re work alarm will go off at 7am and HEY, LET’S ROCK – ENERGY RIGHT! YEY! Again sound’s good right? Well not until you’re stuck on rinse and repeat until you totally burn-out and enter what I call zombie mode…

– Zombie mode… How on earth do I explain this? Brain not working but must work… must function… you hyper member, be alert… must work live, hello happy worl… brraaiinnzzzz…. the day passes by until I get to bed, total can’t function crash but sleep… recharge… aaannnnndddd rinse and repeat for a few more days…
You go through this until your body can’t take anymore, it’s like you finally get a let up and it says enough is enough, you run out… you either get lucky and normality resumes for a while or you go into… THE CRASH…

Never ending… yep! Joy!

And that’s only what I’ve been thinking about tonight, another thousand ideas have come and gone whilst writing this, honestly I don’t know if this makes sense but I’m typed out,

Same guy, same brain, just what feels like a different mode all together…

THE CRASH vs HEEYYYOOO HYPER! vs Please sir? Can I have normal mode…