So I guess this is my battle… the one I face…
Bipolar Disorder…
I wanted to write something… something that is as real as real can be for me… in words anyway… something to think about for myself… maybe others if someone stumbles along to this…
I don’t really know how far I will take this but I find that giving myself something to focus on helps. That focus – for when times get desperate or are needed – will be writing, here. I want to write about what I think and feel, what it’s like to suffer from Bipolar, the ups/downs and hopefully to give some insight to the disorder too…
To be honest, it will be a place for me to ramble on…
So if you do stumble here, good luck with that, one thing I can promise you, it’ll be an honest experience.
I wanted to write something first when my mood had switched, when I knew that I was in an episode, whichever came first…
Trying to explain the differences it brings about in me… we’ll see how it goes…
When I get like this it’s like I am a different person, no longer the person I know myself to be…
The normal me is laid back. A fun and happy guy or I tell myself I am, I like to have a laugh and a joke on with my friends, typical Geordie, bit of a smart ass to be honest but obviously in a good way… but this, it feels…
It feels like I’m falling apart, constantly on the edge with no control over my thoughts, it doesn’t matter what I try to do, if something bad has happened – no matter when – or if something is frustrating me then it will be there spinning around, unending, pulling me down further… there is no escape.
There are times when I just want to shout in frustration. I cannot begin to tell you what it is like. You try everything to snap yourself out of it when you feel it coming on – personally I read and I will read anything to turn my focus away from it but… – it ultimately doesn’t matter, you get brought back to the same spot, that desolate spot and… that feeling… you feel like you’re the pebble facing the tsunami…
A moment of distraction and you’re there, the wave has hit and you stand no chance…
You have your angry days, your tired or frustrated days, everyone does but this is different, once it really sets in it feels like every action is an effort, the world has lost it’s colour and you your purpose…
And it kills you… you make yourself more angry and upset because you know this isn’t you, not the real you and that frustration comes because you now know that you face a battle every day just to get by. Just to function whilst it lasts…
Once it sets in then even to speak is an effort for me. I am blessed to have some amazing friends in my life and lucky to work with some of them but when I feel like this, then to even speak with these friends feels impossible. Not because I don’t want to but because I just cannot, it feels like running a marathon just to say that first word and ultimately I’m battling just to function never mind conversation…
Aaannddd…. you come back to that frustration because this isn’t you as I said above… I normally cannot shut up talking. I generally have a load of crap to add to conversations even when it isn’t wanted but I’ll always chip in with a daft comment but this me is lost to that feeling, that desolute feeling.
You have to understand, when I am this low and crashed I am still me, the normal me is still there wishing with every ounce of his soul to just snap out of it, to be rationale and think it through, you know the way you are acting is illogical, you know that this isn’t you but it doesn’t matter what you tell yourself… you’re unfortunately in for the ride now and you just have to see it out… you just have to fight the good fight…
My battle with Bipolar 